Horny Students Haunt Hometown

0

Wow. We don’t know how we missed it but before break the Collegian reported about how… nevermind, I’m just going to let the story speak for itself. The Collegian’s headlined it Break chance for hometown flings. I think our headline might be a little more accurate. We’ve pulled the quotes that tell the story of Jake Meyers, a pick-up artist in the making.

Jake Meyers said he plans to settle some unfinished business with high school classmates over Thanksgiving break.

“There are always those girls back home that you flirt with and always those girls that you did have stuff with,” Meyers (freshman-hotel, restaurant and institutional management) said. “I plan on taking things where they never went.”

ALL THE WAY!!! WOO!!! Srsly though, Jake? Why do you feel this way?

Now that he is a college student, Meyers said he feels he will have a better opportunity to hook up with girls when he returns home.

“I feel different because I am a college kid,” Meyers said.

“You’re older. You live by yourself. You can do whatever you want. Anything can happen,” he added.

O rly? I think it’s safe to say that one of Jake’s major life influences has been the great saga of American Pie.

To quote Kevin, from the first of the series, “No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we’re not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!”

Am I rite?

Although Meyers has some expectations for the holiday week, he said he is planning to keep an open mind with possible hook ups.

“I usually just take the course,” Meyers said. “Whatever happens, happens.”

I really want to know what happened. JAKE, if you are out there, contact us! I hope you made it!

Share.

About Author

Creator of @OnwardState. Big fan of sweaters. Now at Fusion.

0