Chronicles of a Green Man: The Beginning

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It ain’t easy being green (or brown, for that matter). When you’re green at Penn State, you stick out amongst a sea of blue and white. That’s how we at Onward State found our newest reporter: a man in a full-body green spandex suit known only as Green Man. Who is he and where does he come from? No one knows. All we know is that he likes to party hard. Since it’s tough to type in that green suit, I will henceforth be reporting all of his stories.

So what is a typical Saturday night at Penn State like for Green Man? Find out, if you think you can handle it.

This weekend, Green Man decided to scope out an Anything But Clothes party over at University Towers. He was not explicitly invited to the party, per se, but he figured that his stunning charisma and swagger could get him in without a hitch.

Green Man stands outside of University Towers, hoping to have a successful night.

Green Man is ready. The night begins.

Green Man arrives on the third floor of University Towers, where the party is scheduled to be. His confidence pours out of the picture. Can’t you see?

Hoping to get into the party, Green Man knocks on the door.

He is greeted by a man in a stylish pair of pants made entirely out of duct tape. Unfortunately, he wants none of Green Man in his party.

Confused, Green Man wonders what he will do, now that he has been denied entry into the party by a man in duct tape shorts.

Now he must flee with quickness, before the man in the duct tape shorts politely asks him to leave – or worse.

Waiting for the elevator, Green Man encounters a lady leaving a nearby party. They begin to converse. Green Man realizes that, despite the party rejection, he still has that Green Man Swagger ™.

Another guest at a local party comes out into the halls to shoot the breeze with Green Man! Could this be a successful night after all?

Another girl comes out of an apartment to chill with Green Man! Looks like he won’t need to use that elevator anytime soon after all!

Suddenly, a crowd starts to form around Green Man! Women want him, while men want to get like him.

The Christmas theme continues as Green Man finds more party-dwellers who want to escape to the real party out in the halls.

As the night rolls on, there seems to be no slowing down of interest for Green Man. Women still flock to him like teenage girls to the Twilight movie.

It is clear now that Green Man has shown his dominance in popularity. Maybe now he will be invited to more parties at Penn State, as he is clearly the party king.

Only time will tell. Stay tuned for more updates from Green Man’s party adventures.

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About Author

Evan Kalikow co-founded Onward State in November 2008 with Davis Shaver and Eli Glazier. Having previously served as a Writer, Editor, Standards Editor, and Community Manager, Evan is now a proud alumnus of both Onward State and Penn State. He was also named "Person of the Year" by Time Magazine in 2006.

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  1. at least superman has the decency to wear something over his spandex. i can see your package and it is not flattering

  2. Pingback: Chronicles of a Green Man: Party Hard, Study Hard | Onward State

  3. You are right, guys that take the Green Man plunge should wear a sports cup to give you uniformity, control and privacy, even if you are well endowed, it is still distasteful to go ‘sloshing’ around in public.