UPDATE 3:00 PM:
Hi! My name is Dennis. I saw your column, “Mounting Nittany,” this morning on the Collegian website and, well, I thought maybe that I’d ask you out on a date. Believe me, I’m not usually this brash, perhaps it was the devil-may-care attitude exhibited in your column that inspired me to write to you. I just got out of a long-term relationship, so I’m not looking for anything particularly serious right now, but based on your column I don’t think you are either, so I thought we might be a good match!
You sound exciting! I need more excitement in my life, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut this semester. I need someone to broaden my horizons, and you sound like you like to try new things. I also have a fear of heights and dislike for mountain biking, so I’m interested to hear about the alternatives you’ve explored.
I read a lot about you, so here are some things about me: I’m a senior, I’m 21, I’m studying International Relations, and I’m from Boston. Some of the things that are most attractive to me are a strong personality and a great sense of humor. I love the name of your column—it’s no Savage Love, but it’s still very smart and eye-catching. Also, I love your writing style—it’s like erotic beat poetry. Your descriptions are so vivid—it’s like I’m looking at a picture of your knuckles in my head!
I noticed you mentioned you’re only 20, so I guess that means you can’t hit the bar scene yet, so I guess I can’t ask you out for a beer. But maybe you need a 21-year-old to pick up some Woodchuck Cider? What’s your favorite flavor, Green (Crab) Apple? Haha just kidding.
If things do end up becoming serious, it might take some time for me to introduce you to my mother; you could call me a little Mitch from A Streetcar Named Desire in that sense.
So please email me or tweet at me (I couldn’t find you on Facebook, but if you have one totally friend me. We don’t have to be “Facebook official” yet lol) so we can set something up. I promise I’ll bring you a teddy bear—that’s a sure fire first-date move I learned from my dad, the old dog.
I imagine I’m not the only date request you’ll be receiving today, but I really think we might have some great chemistry and really could click. I’ll send you my number; maybe we can go to Bad Teacher together in the HUB this weekend or take a walk by the Nittany Lion Shrine or something.
In any event, I hope to hear from you soon and look forward to next Thursday’s column!
xoxo, Dennis McNamara
Dennis McNamara is an aspiring potential date for Kristina Helfer and can be reached at email@example.com or @dennismcnamara