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about 3 years ago

The 6 People Not to Be at a Halloween Party

Graham Halloween

To most people, Halloween is this Monday, October 31. If you’re reading this, though, chances are Halloween starts tonight. Maybe it even started a couple of days ago. In any event, you may find yourself at a Halloween party over the next half a week. Here are six people you should absolutely not be.

Disclaimer: In the following paragraphs, when I say “guy”, I mean it in a gender-neutral sense. These tips apply to both men and women. I’m an equal-opportunity blogger.

6 (Tie). The “Obscure Costume” Guy and The “Overly-Involved-Explanation” Guy

Both of these follow the same basic principle: if it takes more than 3 seconds to explain your costume, then just leave. “I’m a supporting character from a Japanese-import-only PlayStation 3 game.” “Oh, I’m my freshman year roommate. See, he always had long, dirty hair and wore this floral print shirt and spoke with a slight lisp like I’m doing right now!” Cool. Unless you’re at a party where you know most people will immediately get those references, then get out of here.

5. The “Excessive Props” Guy

So you want to be the Grim Reaper for Halloween. Great! It’s a classic costume and can be pulled off really well. Just don’t get too attached to your scythe. No one likes the guy constantly poking people, scratching people’s backs, or just generally causing a ruckus with a pointy stick–and that goes for all excessive props too, not just scythes. If you need more than 2 hands to carry your props, you’re overdoing it. Hell, even one prop may be too much. Ever try to carry around someone else’s umbrella for an entire night? It gets annoying pretty quickly. Same theory applies to props. Less is more.

4. The “Super Slut” Guy

I love seeing skin as much as the next guy, but please! At a bare minimum, you should wear enough clothes so I can at least identify you as a slutty librarian or slutty police officer. Plus, it’s supposed to get pretty, pretty, pretty cold and/or rainy this weekend. Cover up at least a little bit. Take it from me, “Slutty Hypothermia Victim” is not a good look. And like I said earlier, this tip is gender-neutral. Please don’t be someone from Jersey Shore.

3. The “Ambiguous Costume” Guy

Are you a ghost, or are you a klansman? Are you Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg? Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Make sure it’s very clear what you are. No one likes a guessing game (unless your costume is The Riddler, in which case fuck you for negating my whole point).

2. The “Obvious Current Events Costume” Guy

Steve Jobs and Muammar Gadhafi died within the past few weeks. Don’t be either of them for Halloween. Why? Because everyone is going to be Steve Jobs or Gadhafi for Halloween. Be something different! Wake up, sheeple! If you really really want to be Jobs or Gadhafi, give it a twist. Be Gadhafi running for office in the 1970′s! Be Steve Jobs’ forgotten brother, Hand Jobs!

(Editors note: Yes, we know if you read this article in 2013, Jobs and Gadhafi will no longer be relevant. Just pretend its Lou Reed or Roger Ebert or someone.)

1. The “No Costume” Guy

You’re not too cool for Halloween. No one is, except maybe Miles Davis. Stop being a Halloween hipster and Wear A Goddamn Costume.

I hope you will listen to my advice and avoid Halloween faux pas this weekend. For the record, I will be Horatio Caine, David Caruso’s character from CSI: Miami. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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