What Your Caffeine Says About You
You only have one chance to make a good first impression. So what does your Venti Mocha Caramel Skinny Chai say about you? A lot more than you think:
- Red Bull: If you cart around a Red Bull in the morning, chances are you whore yourself out in eight other different brands that you think people give a shit about. You’re probably not even that tired either. You just want people to know that you had to go off campus to tote your $3 can of sugar around.
- Monster/Amp/Rockstar: These energy drink options are much bigger and also available to purchase using meal points, which can be a major win. If you drink this in the morning, you are probably some extreme sports bro wearing a Burton knitted cap or some hungover slob who didn’t feel like waiting in the long line at Starbucks.
- Starbucks: This is a very broad category. First, we need to divide this population into the people who went to Starbucks before it was on campus and the people who now choose to waste 76% of their meal points on lattes with too much milk. The former population is composed mainly of people rolling their eyes when they hear other people ordering chocolate frappes at 9 a.m. They also request specific drink orders because they’ve been regulars for a while now, but they usually aren’t too complicated. The latter population orders annoying scones and cinnamon swirl bread, and they take two whole minutes to decide whether they want a chai or a java chip. Then, of course, there are the hard core people who just drink black coffee, which for some reason confuses the employees even more than the blonde chick who ordered a skinny vanilla latte with soy milk.
- Dunkin: Okay, first of all, if you’re running on Dunkin, you’re definitely from New England. If not, you’re probably training your tastebuds to enjoy it now, so that when you become a soccer mom, you’ll have acquired a taste for this stuff by then. Or you’re just buying a 50 count box of munchkins, which is always a great call.
- Keurig: If you’re the proud owner of a Keurig, this could mean a few things. First, you could be a casual, responsible coffee drinker. You take your caffeine intake cup-by-cup and plan ahead enough to have a to-go cup ready if you want to bring it to class. You’re probably someone who generally has their shit together (Unless your version of a to-go cup is a solo cup…which has been known to happen). The second option is that you have a nasty addiction to coffee and need to drink it every 45 minutes, so you drink a Keurig to encourage your dependence. Your teeth will look really nasty in about ten years. Lastly, there are the fakers who use their Keurig to make hot chocolate. Your parents are pissed that they spent all that money to give you unlimited hot chocolate.
- Seattle’s Best: I feel bad for you if you drink Seattle’s Best. It really sucks. The Mix, Redifer and Waring commons should really up their game, but at the same time, they know we’ll always settle for their mediocre java.
- Irving’s: I LOVE IRVING’S COFFEE. I swear to God, it’s like liquid adderall. One time I drank a large iced coffee from Irving’s and my vision went blurry. The trick is, you put a little bit of hot coffee at the bottom and then fill the rest with iced coffee. It’s magic. Also, you should probably camp out at Irving’s for the rest of the day to do work, which is always a great call. In short, if you started the day with an Irving’s coffee, things are looking up.
- Green Tea: If you drink this because you want to get rid of your bodily toxins or whatever let me ask you something: What is a toxin anyway? What are you even talking about? You’re drinking hot water. Did you even shower in the past two days? Or are you just on a diet? Whatever. You just wasted two bucks on hot water.
- Every Other Tea: Maybe you drink chamomile because you feel a little under the weather this morning. Or maybe you just have a thing for Earl Grey. You’re probably wearing a sweater.
- Instant release: If you’re on instant release adderall, chances are you’re still up from the night before. You also have an exam in an hour or two but still have three more chapters to outline. If not, you woke up at the crack of dawn because you were excited to do work on adderall. Work is fun! Why can’t you stop chewing? How many bottles of water did you drink in the past 40 minutes? When was the last time you ate? Wait what?
- Extended release: You have way too much work to do and you are jealous of anyone who got their hands on instant release because they are having a lot more fun than you. You’ve already started counting down the days until the end of the semester.
- Diet Coke: If you drink Diet Coke in the morning, I am judging you. My sixth grade biology teacher drank Diet Coke in the morning. She also ate spoonfuls of Peanut Butter. She was gross. You are probably going to drink three more cans of that throughout the day, or if you’re a “betch”, it will be the only thing you consume all day. Either way, I’m judging.
- Mountain Dew: Never did I ever meet so many people who love Mountain Dew until I came to Penn State. Are children born in central Pennsylvania given a Mountain Dew formula or something? Effing weird. Anyway, if you are drinking the Dew in the morning, you are super hopped up on caffeine and it’s probably the only beverage you drink. Ever. Your teeth are rotting out at an alarmingly quick rate.
image Ken Savage
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