The Visitors of State Patty’s Day

It’s going to be one of those weekends.

A foreign mass of youth will descend upon State College starting this Friday for the infamous State Patty’s Day. They’ll come from Pitt, Bloomsburg, West Chester, Shippensburg, IUP, etc. Old high school buddies will be calling late Thursday frantically searching for a place to lodge. Brothers will bring their finest sleeping bags while sisters will pack entirely too many outfits for one weekend trip. And we will all have front row seats for what happens after they arrive.

Penn State students aren’t angels, but it’s pretty well-known that visitors cause just as much, if not more, trouble on SPD. And with such trouble, there is normally a wide range of characters involved. These are some of the people you might encounter that do not share the same affinity for Dear Old State as most of us:

1. The Lost Wanderers

Their cell phone is dead. Their hair is a mess. They’re walking down Prospect when they should be on Beaver. At night they’ll give you an ear-full about how they started drinking at noon before you point them in the right direction. In the morning they’ll timidly approach you and ask where the Meridian or Beaver Hills are located. Either way, take pity.

2. That Sketchy Dude/Chick

This is an out-of-town standard. They look like they’re coming off of a six day binge and it’s only 7:30 on Friday night. You meet these gems at a pre-game function and they offer you some “stuff” you’ve never even heard of before. They’ll probably contribute some awkward remarks to the conversation like “The green ones make me horny” or “I don’t mind dead bodies.” Not really the best conversation starters, but I bet they come with a hell of a story.

3. The Half-Beer Bandits

No one wants to hear “I love you” from a kid who just finished off their second beer. We all know someone like that though. They’ll polish off a clean two and a half beers and spread it out between eight cans. They pass out by 10, and thanks to their greedy grab, that twelve pack you bought to pre-game with is scattered throughout your apartment like Easter eggs. Hope you like your beer warm and backwashy.

4. The Jokers

Everyone’s a jokester nowadays. I don’t know if they’re just nervous or if they really think they’re funny, but these people couldn’t find a punchline if they were at a grade school dance (see what I did there). At first you just feel bad for them so you offer a pity laugh, but when their jokes aren’t registering; that’s when they get desperate. When they reach their lowest point they’ll probably start regurgitating some lame Sandusky jokes from South Park.

5. The Older Siblings

Quite possibly the most fun, and most dangerous out-of-towner. These brothers and sisters have been craving some college fun since their graduation day. They’ll bring decent booze and buy some rounds at the bars (if any are open) because most of them have a semi-steady job. However, some will fall back into their old habits and that’s when trouble is very near. Once they realize that Monday means a 6:30 a.m. wake-up all bets are off.

If you’re having guests, please try to keep them under control. Some people will take it easy this Saturday and others will indulge in State Patty’s Day. Regardless of where you stand on the issue, be respectful to the community and encourage your friends to do the same. Above all else, be safe out there.

Oh, and tell the sketchy kid to stay home.