Sober and Frat-less: A Greek’s Guide To State Patty’s Day
It’s official. There’s no way around it. As far as us Greeks are concerned, there is no State Patty’s Day for us. The IFC and the Panhellenic Council have made it abundantly clear that they will not be tolerating any form of inebriated fun this weekend, and have cruel and unusual punishments prepared should we try to defy them. So, what other options do we have this weekend? Let me list the ways we can enjoy our non-State Patty’s Day weekend:
- Embrace being hungover like you’ve never embraced being hungover before. You have nothing to do today. Seriously. Nothing. There’s no game to tailgate for, no daylongs to attend, not even a social tonight to think about getting ready for. So abuse your Netflix account and lay in your bed for a record breaking amount of time. It’s the best decision you’ll make all semester. But most importantly, get so belligerent on Friday night that you won’t even want to think about being a real human on Saturday.
- Read your creed. Yeah, I don’t know. This is far fetched, but I guess while you curse out IFC for ruining your fun, maybe you’ll find some inspiration by rereading why exactly you pledged in the first place?
- Wash your hair. If you’re choosing the option of laying in bed hungover, then you probably need to take a shower in the first place. Plus, this is the lamest excuse in the book that doesn’t get nearly enough action.
- #OccupyTheWaffleShop. Order some chocolate chip pancakes, wear your letters and show everyone how responsible you’re being. Maybe sneak in some Bailey’s to dump in your coffee. Just kidding. Kind of.
- Go to Taco Bell. Nothing says I’m sober and self loathing like a crunch wrap supreme.
- File your taxes. You still have time!! Do it now!!
- Try E in preparation for Dayglow. Thinking about rolling? Take a test drive this weekend to see if you can handle it, because if you can’t, it’s only gonna be 10x weirder when you’re covered in paint. Have lots of water around!
- Library daylong. If you’re not a catatonic, hungover slob, you might as well get yourself to the library and get some work done. Spring break is only days away people! So write that paper while visions of Puerto Vallarta dance in your head.
- Crash geed parties. This is one of the more ballsy moves to make, because although you may not be having a social, you’re still contributing to the general State Patty’s mayhem. But hey! You’re a free bitch, am I right? So creep your way into Cedarbrook, walk towards the loudest room and rub some elbows! You can probably out drink all of them anyway, so you’ll drink twice as much of their alcohol before they even notice.
- Iron your pinnies. It’s almost daylong season–Get ready!
And if none of this appeals to you, I guess just go home or something. Whatever.
9 Responses to “Sober and Frat-less: A Greek’s Guide To State Patty’s Day”
Classy. Great that a website that considers itself “news” worthy posts something that recoomends illegal drugs. Why not just rip some lines of cocaine on friday night and not sleep, then sleep all day saturday.
You guys did a great job with this SPD series and then you go and post this crap. Seriously, promoting illegal drug use should never been condoned.
Shame on you guys
wow learn how to take a joke. this is for entertainment, do you really think they are promoting drug use?
Someone doesn’t understand sarcasm (hint: it’s you).
Illegal drug use is not a joking matter. A mature person would understand that. Especially since the E you are taking is probably more herione than MDMA. I do know what I am talking about.
I do understand sarcasm, didnt you notice i said “news” worthy! Thats sarcasm.
Actually, a Friday night coke party sounds like a great idea! Who’s down?
Bobby looks fierce
being greek>being an independent.always.forever
If you knew when you were talking about, you’d know it was spelled “heroin”.
In regards to your knowledge of drugs, sir, I say, “Pshaw!”
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