Freshman gals, the first day of classes is going to roll around sooner than you know it! But before you agree to take the white loop with some random guys you just met, make sure you brush up on what exactly you’re getting yourself into:
1. Guy From Home: Eventually you’re going to feel bad for him. You blatantly used and abused all of his connections to make friends and get invited to parties for the first couple months. You probably hung out or grabbed lunch a ton at first, even if you weren’t really friends in high school. His text messages will grow more desperate as you start to hang out with him less. Then he’ll get over it and you’ll probably end up a lot cooler than he is and not invite him to parties you go to/throw. Kind of a total bitch move, but if he was cooler than you he would either not invite you anywhere or stop talking to you after making the mistake of inviting you once. He’s gonna be just fine.
2. Guy From Your Floor/Building: He loves to hang out in your room as harass you for exam answers or online homework answers. You’ll invite him and his bros over to your dorm to pregame with vladdy or pinnacle before you go out, probably with slizzes. This may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship or he will be a victim of the use and abuse crime, holding on to your friendship only to get into parties. Or he could turn into the always traumatic freshman year boyfriend…
3. Freshman Year Boyfriend: So cute, right? You guys give each other eyes at dinner in the dining hall (nothing says romance like Findlay Commons, y’all) and he comes over and laughs at Teen Mom with you or whatever. Then you awkwardly make out when you’re both shitfaced and then you like, become a ‘thing’ and you tell your friends from home and gush like a big lovesick fool. If your relationship lasts, your friends will scorn you ten years later when they’re still single and everyone is getting married. Most likely though, this will not last long and you will either look back and cringe (or laugh, depending on how it ended) or just continue to have this weird booty call relationship all sophomore year. Of course, the Freshman Year Boyfriend could also be your high school boyfriend and that, I can promise is a DISASTER. Trust me. I was the asshole that was like, “No, we won’t grow apart.” Yes you will. Yes. You. Will.
4. Frat Bro: Not just any frat bro. A Penn State frat bro. He could also fall into any of the aforementioned categories. Or you could meet a million, should you decide to rush. Or you’ll meet him in some other way like, class or, of course, a frat party. He could have been really cool in high school, latching on to his glory days. Or he was not cool at all in high school but now he’s in a frat! So he finally has a chance to run with the other douchebags and hook up with girls who are out of his league for the next four years. Ah, Greek life. Anyway, there are some gems in there, but you’ll need a fine-toothed comb to find those.
5. Transfer Kid: First of all, as a self-proclaimed University Park elitist, I’m going to tell you this now:
Commonwealth Branch campus kids are weird. Not only do they think they’re on the same playing field as you even though they went to Altoona (which, HELLO, is basically a glorified high school and now they’re gonna get a job just as good/better than yours) but they’ll be older and probably offer to buy you beer and tell you to take the bus to Vairo Boulevard or wherever the fuck they live. Just, like, avoid it. Study with him I guess, but you’re probably better off alone.
6. Smelly Human-vs-Zombie-esque Kid: If you find yourself among these creatures, you probably stopped reading a while ago. I have nothing to say about this. Take your Nerf guns and get kinky or whatever. I am totally mystified by you ALL.
7. Schreyer Kid: UGH, SPARE ME. Listen, just like any other niche group at Penn State, there are obviously plenty of exceptions to the rule. But most Schreyer kids have no social skills. They never leave Simmons. They do homework on the weekends at night. They’re going to deny you to come over and get to second base because they have a paper they want to hand in a week early. Again, they will most likely choose school work over gettin’ it. If this doesn’t scare you away, they’re probably going to be pretentious assfaces because they’re going to think they’re in a whole other league of humans. Bonus points if you can find a frat Schreyer boy though, because they’re usually always a little off.
8. Athlete: If you go Greek, athletes are REALLY great to have around because if you end up on probation you can just have socials with the soccer team. Plus, they’ll always invite you to parties on Gill Street that will get busted by midnight if you want a change of scene. Usually you’ll meet them in your easy gen eds. (Theatre 100 is a GOLD MINE for jersey chasers.)
9. Onward State/Collegian/School Philly Guy: If they write for TSP, read Frat Bro again. If they write for the Collegian, they’re probably gay or they are hooking up with every chick who works at the Collegian. It’s a big orgy over there. As far as Onward State, they’re a special breed. You’ll be one of the like 3 chicks who works here so you basically have to wait it out until the new chick rolls around for you to be old news. But while you’re hot, you’re hot, I’ll tell ya!
And, of course, whenever you encounter one of these bros, you’re going to have to also consider that they will either be a die hard Philadelphia or Pittsburgh fan, so that is very important to keep in mind. You’ll get the New York team fans as well as the random Maryland kids. God forbid you meet a New Englander. This is like, a huge thing thing to keep in mind actually because even if you don’t give a shit about sports (ME) you’re gonna have to sit through games and listen to them talk about pointless shit for the duration of your relationship. This is why the Twitter app was invented. You’re welcome.
Maggie is a junior who fell under the spell of many of these guys, but her one true love is Grillers.