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about 2 years ago
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Penn State Student Aspires to be Stinky-Man-Child-Living-In-A-Van This Semester

Van Kid

Ah, Reddit.

Yesterday, “7mgte” posted that he is seriously considering living in a van this semester to save some cash and just like, yanno, do it for shits and gigs. Oh, and he also said he hopes this will help him focus on schoolwork and stay healthy, but mentioned that he will probably be eating at Subway often?  So we’ll see how that health kick goes.

Of course, most commenters tore him apart, letting him know how moronic his plan was (and hello? smelly?). But some people brought up valid points (eh, I paraphrased a little, but you get it):

  • How the hell are you gonna keep warm when it’s 17 degrees out and you’re sleeping in a rape van? His response to this was lots of blankets! And a space heater. Maybe. What, are you gonna not splurge on heat, bro? How much money are you trying to save exactly? You know you have to survive, right?
  • If I was your friend I’d be pissed that you were just squatting at my place all the time. You know who I’m talking about. The friend that always overstays their welcome and eats all your food. What, I’m just gonna be cool with you showering at my apartment all the time? Yeah, I do have HBO, but how about you go watch it in the library or wherever the fuck you plan to spend your time. I’m telling you right now, if my friend told me “Hey, yeah, I’m just gonna kick it in my van for the semester, but I’ll probably just be at your place most of the time anyway,” my response would be, “Like hell you are.”
  • You’re a big enough idiot to not get a lease in time so you’re gonna live in a van? Just find a sublet, you imbecile. This has to be whats going on here, right? Because no one in their right mind just CHOOSES to live in a van. Unless he’s getting some book deal out of it or something. Listen, bro honestly, people don’t need to hear that Penn State’s students are going off the deep end and living in their cars. Pay to sleep on someone’s couch or something. I mean honestly. Don’t you have Facebook? Find an apartment.
  • Hey, make sure when you’re living in the van you keep a regular sleep schedule or else you’ll get a little squirrelly. I’m sure this kid has never seen Into The Wild before. Do yourself a favor and watch it. Or steal your friend’s Netflix account info, you moocher. But if you don’t feel like taking the time to watch it here’s how it ends: He gets sad and depressed, shits his pants, and dies from a poisonous berry. Is this the trajectory you had planned for the rest of your life? No? Read the previous bullet point again then.
  • Bro, the second some chick finds out you’re sleeping in a van, she’s gonna bail. I’m gonna tell you right now, that if she DOESN’T bail after hearing that, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. RED FLAG BRO, RED. FLAG. Like, you can play up the whole “I don’t eat gluten and I love the planet” or whatever. Call it a sociological experiment, but I’m telling you right now, when she dishes out the deets the next morning, her crew will make sure she never sees you again. Also, aren’t you saving money? You’re not allowed to go to the bar. And people don’t invite smelly people to parties. Except smelly people. Don’t hookup with smelly girls, man.
  • This will be your future:I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

However, if this plan DOES happen, I am telling you right now, I am gonna be checking in with this looney toon on a regular basis.

Maggie is a Junior, print-journalism major who hopes she can write about this idiot for a class assignment.

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