Overheard on the White Loop
Since y’all liked last week’s “Overheard” post so much — and since this guy in Afghanistan melted my heart with his humble request for a weekly feature on inebriated conversations — here’s another installment.
This week, the marvelous Mara Kern suggested that instead of sitting outside of Canyon like we did last week, we should listen to the stupid things that drunk kids say on the White Loop. A brilliant plan. It was midnight on the thirstiest of Thursdays when we climbed aboard the bus at the Beaver Hill. We tried to ignore the overwhelming scent of vomit as we perked up our ears, listening for the slurred speech of some Vladdy-logged freshman.
Here are a few of the best, worst, and most ridiculous things that we overheard on the White Loop.
Tall guy holding two girls’ hands, whisper-shouting: “Shhhh. Pretend you’re sober!”
Freshman in a highlighter shirt: “Hi, welcome to the White Loop.”
Girl in green, entering: “Hola.”
Freshman in a highlighter shirt: “OH! Uh, hold on. Nosotros… somos… tenemos… freshmen. Tacos.”
Guy in a hoodie, to his friend: “All right, dude, whatever. Text me when your balls drop.”
Girl with glasses, wailing: “I lost an earringggggg! I always do this! Where’d it go?”
Girl in a floral dress: “Did it fall down your shirt?”
Girl with glasses: *digs around cleavage shamelessly and pulls out the lost earring* “Oh.”
Kid in a brown shirt, covering his face: “Oh my god, it smells like people ripped ass and died in here.”
Kid in a red polo, his voice high-pitched with stress: “Don’t punch! DON’T PUNCH! It hurts! Ow, you guys, he’s kicking me again!”
His friend, in a blue polo: “I’m not kicking! It was a nudge. This is a nudge. Listen. A nudge. This is a NUDGE. This–” *helpless whimpering from the kid in red* “–is a kick.”
Girl with black boots, pleading: “Okay, so I drink a lot! You can’t judge me for it until I graduate.”
Her friend, dead pan: “I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
Everyone halts their conversations to sing happy birthday to Jill, a belligerently drunk and scantily-clad female with a plastic tiara and a sash. Jill laughs maniacally and loses her balance, crashing into a pole and landing on a male in blue, who is pleasantly surprised that a half naked drunk girl literally fell into his lap.
Group of freshmen boys from the front of the bus, chanting: “HEYYYYYY, WE WANT SOME PUSS-AY! HEYYYYY, WE WANT SOME PUSS-AY!”
Girl in a floral dress: “…are we supposed to sing along?”
Boy in a white v-neck with Jungle Juice stains all over it, singing: “Girls that don’t do girls, that’s that shit I don’t like!”
Ginger in a purple shirt, from two rows back: “Sometimes I just want to stab groups of freshmen in their fucking necks.”
Guy with a Penn State lanyard: *enters the bus without stumbling*
Bus driver: “Good job!”
Girl with wide eyes, staring at another girl’s Jeffrey Campbell platform boots: “I can’t get over that girl’s shoes. You could bludgeon someone to death with those!”
Guy in an orange pinney shouts, as a car across the street honks its horn: “BEEEEEP BEEEEP!”
Girl in a dress, to a girl in a tribal shirt: “So, I hear you have a big lesbian crush on me!”
Girl with a Coach backpack, looks around frantically: “Wait, stop. Is Kelly on the bus? Did Kely get on the bus? Kelly? Kelly!”
Kelly, from a seat behind her: “Hi, I’m here.”
Four girls in the front of the bus: “AGAIN?! THIS SHIT IS BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”
Girl in a white chiffon top, pretending to be a dinosaur: “ROOOOOOOAR!” *hiccups* “Roar?”
Girl in a cheetah print dress: “What? You’re ditching me on girls’ night!? That’s fucked up!”
Another guy in a highlighter shirt, slurring: “Fuuuuuck you.”
Me: “Did you just say fuck you to me?!”
Guy in the highlighter shirt: “…No?”
Me: “Yes you did! Well, now we can’t be friends.”
Guy in the highlighter shirt: “No! I’m from Costa Rica, we can always be friends!”
Girl in a leather jacket, excitedly: “Can we be the ‘Welcome to the White Loop!’ girls?”
Girl in a floral dress: “…No.”
Sober kid, annoyed at the drunkies as we pull up to a stop & no one gets off, muttering to himself: “Yeahhhh, way to request that stop, guys.”
Kid in a Superman shirt, revealing the logo on his shirt emphatically: “PAAAAA!”
Guy in cargo shorts, singing in a sassy falsetto and shaking his hips: “Whatchu want! Baby I got! Whatchu need! You know I got it! Alllllll I’m askin’ is for a little respect when I come home!” *silence… moments later, bursts back into song* “R-E-S-P-E-C-T! FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME! R-E-S-P-E-C-T! TAKE CARE, TCB! Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me…”
Dumbass in a blue button down, singing this same line repeatedly: “My bitch is Beyoncé, your boy is beyond gay!”
A herd of freshmen boys enter the bus and begin chanting “Whiiiiiiiiite loop! Whiiiiiiiiite loop!” and teaching each other how to Dougie.
Freshmen in a green v-neck: “EAST FUCKING HALLS! YEAHHHH!” *begins chanting* “Bigler! Bigler! Bigler! Bigler!”
Guy with glasses and a yellow shirt, as he exits: “Bigler people, I like Bigler people. They are the nice ones.”
Freshmen with a Flyers lanyard: “Beer pong? I was like thirteen. That was when I tried beer pong.”
Guy in a button-down: “I kinda wanna drink beer at a place.”
His friend: “Perfect, let’s go.”
Girl in a jean jacket: “Text her! Say ‘WHERE ARE YOU’ in all caps with twelve exclamation points and four question marks.”
Girl in a green tank top, mumbling & staring distastefully at a group of sorostitutes: “Come on, say something of substance. Anything of substance. Please.”
Girl with long brown hair: “It’s not gonna happen, don’t hold your breath.”
Kid in a white v-neck, speaking slowly as he texts with a flip-phone: “Caaaaan’t, broooo, Iiiii’m, onnnn–” *pauses, then begins again much more loudly* ”–DAAA BUSSSSSS.”
Kid in a Penn State hoodie, pleading as he exits: “But… I already showed you the dirtiest text I have!”
Drunk girl in crazy-high heels and a crazy-short dress, falling off of the bus and slurring: “Hullllloooo…! You guys?” *lands in grass*
Moral of the story? Don’t ever ride the White Loop for longer than you need to. If the smell doesn’t get to you, the inebriated idiocy of far too many goddamn freshmen will. Tune in next week to see what we overhear in another drunken downtown location.
A special thanks to Katie Blitz for riding along with us, pointing out the people that looked the drunkest, and giggling at everyone’s intoxication.