It’s been about two months since we last scoured the State College Craigslist page and found some of its most absurd listings. After spending the last eight weeks or so mentally recovering from some of the horrors that popped up on the site, we decided to do it again.
Like the last time, I have spent far too much time looking through Craigslist listings for things that made me confused and uncomfortable. DISCLAIMER: Don’t ever look through Craigslist. It’s horrifying. Here are my findings:
1) Bounce Fun Plex!
First things first, this place isn’t in State College, but it’s on the SC Craigslist. Whatever. Anyway, if you’ve never gone, it’s awesome, but it’s not ALL CAPS EXCLAMATION POINT awesome. Everyone knows someone who tore their ACL at this place. Also, you probably can’t mini golf at this time of year. I call that false advertising, folks.
2) For you Under-21 People…
This is a special kind of desperation for people who get an underage. Although shout out to the person who posted this. I can already imagine a freshman getting an underage, hopping onto Craigslist to find a cheap lawyer so their parents don’t find out, seeing this person, and hiring them. Even if they CANNOT guarantee a win, they can guarantee that you will get a cheaper lawyer, because if there’s one thing you want to get for cheap, it’s legal counsel.
3) Recording Studio/Dungeon
I’ve seen this episode of Criminal Minds enough times to know how this works. You contact the dude on the Internet who says he has a recording studio, a wannabe country starlet answers, she goes, she sings, he’s impressed, she drinks the spiked wine cooler, and just as she’s about to pass out, the BAU barges in. You can’t pull one over on me, guy.
4) Save Fido
This is one of those things that you read, are petrified by, but you think “this would actually be awesome.” I mean, look at your dog. Look at it. Embrace its mortality. This person is offering you the chance to make your dog young forever. This is some Jose Canseco-esque stuff.
5) More Rubber than a Tire Factory
I must add the disclaimer that nobody at Onward State posted this. Trojan doesn’t send large boxes of condoms multiple times, and it already happened to us once. But seriously, a dude on the internet is literally asking you to take condoms from him because he got a gigantic box of them. Isn’t Craigslist the best?
6) There are No Words
I’m not even going to analyze this takedown of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. However, I will link you to the entire manifesto, because the entire thing is amazing and horrifying and will make you feel uncomfortable. It made my head hurt.
7) Help a Lonely Person Experience Love
There are so many normal ways to say “You look cute, I may have a crush on you.” This is not one of them. This is completely terrifying. I can’t think of a worse way to express that you have a crush on someone. If any of you know who this person is, please help the Craigslist poster out, because I’m sure his intentions are sincere and not “I want to lock you in my basement prison.”
8) Frat Star
Have you tried the Penn State directory and cross-referenced it with Facebook? This is the All-American love story: people hook up at a frat party, one falls in love, forgets to get the name, and resorts to asking random people on the Internet who probably have zero idea what the hell they’re talking about.
9) Puff Buddies
I’m pretty sure that Denver’s Craigslist is nothing but posts along these lines. The really funny part is when someone answers, only that someone is one of State College’s finest and this person gets arrested. Maybe the underage lawyer can be of some assistance?
10) Yep, Weird Craigslist
I may change my Twitter name to “Tasty Slim Jim” after reading this. Do you think that “18 y.o. downtown State College” means it’s a high school kid who lives with his parents? Does that make the post worse? I somehow think that makes the post worse.