With 987 clubs listed at University Park, you may think that Penn State has covered all of the bases for extracurricular activities.
You couldn’t be more wrong. While there may be groups supporting their appreciation of everything from small animals to cheese, there are still a number of seriously underrepresented hobbies at our university.
Here’s our extensive list of what we’re missing:
Power Nap Club
There’s no question that kids at our school don’t get enough sleep. With our schedules packed doing everything from schoolwork to internships to partying hard, it’s tough to find the time to just take a step back and nap. Now it’s high time that we took a page out of this school’s book and make a club devoted to catching some shut-eye.
Groovy Hair Club
The simple truth is that we don’t have enough people repping wacky manes around campus. Sure, you may see the occasional mullet or mohawk, and afro-man Tanner Beck’s legendary locks make the occasional appearance, but with him graduating this year, the crazy-hair spirit is waning at Penn State. We need a devoted group of students to spice up the hairdos that pepper the Penn State horizon.
There are a whole lot of people-made-spectacles at University Park, from Boom Box Guy to all of the tutu-adorned students around THON season. With so many great personalities roaming through campus, it’s a necessity for us to make a concerted effort to find and document these effervescent souls.
While we may have a holiday to celebrate one of Penn State’s biggest pastimes, there’s no club in its honor. For all of the fine denizens out there who would do anything to pound yet another Natty, this is the club for you. To be admitted into the club, you’d have to meet two requirements — be 21 or older and have a liver of steel. UPAC funding could get dicey here.
Hipsters are abound in this paradise of ours, with their thick-framed glasses and Urban Outfitters swag. Though they number in the hundreds, there isn’t any special meeting place for these elitists-of-everything to demonstrate their clear superiority in all things underground. For all you bohemians out there, look no further; the Vinyl club is here to save the day. Now you can brag about your collection of the entire Vampire Weekend discography to those who actually want to listen.
If you’ve never heard of geocaching, you’re among good company. This outdoor ‘sport’ uses GPS systems to uncover treasures hidden by past adventurers. Geocaching is actually just a really good time, and for all of you outdoorsy folks reading, this could take your hiking game to the next level.
You may be familiar with the cult-classic movie starring Brad Pitt and Ed Norton, and we need to bring some of that messy action to our school. While the Penn State wrestling team is already bringing the hammer down for us, all it would take is a dingy basement and some brass knuckles to kick things up a notch.
Yoga Pants Appreciation Club
While the spring season and its bounty of short-shorts may be upon us, that doesn’t mean that we can’t show our yoga pants pride. There’s no denying that these stretchy emblems of womanhood need serious representation in our community, and this club could provide us with the platform to do it. It is here that the bearers of these rich threads and their admirers could unite for a common goal.
Amateur Rapper Club
There’s no denying that we got some fresh hip-hop talent at Penn State, as demonstrated by the innumerable rap songs about loving our school. Nothing could help these rap stars more than a community where they can spit hot bars without the fear of being mocked mercilessly.
Squirrel Lovers Club
Squirrels are a mainstay on campus, having infiltrated the darkest corners of Penn State life and, more importantly, our hearts. These fuzzy beasts have gotten a lot of love these last few years, but no club has been made in their honor. We must do everything in our power to protect these enlightened creatures and their forever-bushy tails.
So there it is, an exhaustive list of what our school needs to truly meet the desires of the Penn State student body. If there’s anything else you feel like we’re missing, feel free to comment.