Usually when people eat Taco Bell in the morning, it’s when their BAC is somewhere in the 0.teens. As comedian Lewis Black once said of the Mexican-American fast food chain, “It’s not like you eat it when you’re sober.”
However, Taco Bell launched its newest campaign: breakfast. It’s an ambitious twist on some of the restaurant’s notable menu items, like waffle tacos, breakfast burritos, and breakfast Crunchwraps.
In the name of journalism — ok, it was mostly because the Drunk Deliveries people haven’t expanded to breakfast yet — I ventured down to the Taco Bell on E. College Ave at 7 a.m. when the doors opened. This one is for history:
6:15 a.m.: I wake up from my dream — I think it involved me starring in Space Jam 2 — to the sound of my alarm. I hit snooze and spend the next few minutes debating if this is a good decision for a variety of reasons, mostly whether or not my dad would still love me for doing this.
6:40 a.m.: I walk out of my apartment and say to myself, “holy Christ it’s like 15 degrees out.” I decide to drive.
6:47 a.m.: Arrive at the apartment of fellow OS writer Ali Fogarty, who will join me on this mission. Three other Onward Staters were supposed to join, but their decision making is better than ours.
6:58 a.m.: Arrive at Taco Bell. A line of approximately 10 people has formed.
6:59 a.m.: Some guy asks if his friend can skip the line because it is her birthday. The dude in the front of the line gives the most stern “no” of all time.
7:00 a.m.: A girl in the back of the line screams “THIS IS MORE THAN ONCE IN A LIFETIME!”
7:01 a.m.: The doors finally open, and the employee who opened the door said, “who’s taking pictures of this, ‘cuz this is kind of impressive.” The line has approximately 20 students when the door opens.
7:02 a.m.: The first person orders an A.M. Crunchwrap. He’s grinning like he won the lottery, because let’s face it, he did. Also, everyone on line is discussing their order, the general consensus is the A.M. Crunchwrap or the waffle taco.
7:03 a.m.: The first order comes out, order number 169. He waits for his friend who joined him this morning, grabbed every sauce he could, and proclaims, “Let’s do this, here we go.” Takes first bite, immediately says to everyone in his immediate viscinity, “Guys, wow.”
7:07 a.m.: “ORDER 171! ENJOY IT! SEE YOU TOMORROW!” proclaimed the Taco Bell employee.
7:08 a.m.: “ORDER 172! WE’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW!”
7:15 a.m.: I finally place my order — the bacon A.M. Crunchwrap and a bacon breakfast burrito, because like all basic American males, I enjoy bacon. My order costs less than $5.
7:19 a.m.: “This is gonna change the world,” said one guy.
“It already did,” replied his friend.
7:24 a.m.: My order finally comes up. The guy behind the counter says he’ll see me tomorrow. I won’t say he will, but I won’t say he won’t, either.
After grabbing hot, fire, and this weird picante sauce that I’ve never seen before, I sit down and choose to attack the burrito first with Pat Chambers-esque attitude. The first bite is sauceless, as to respect the integrity of the burrito, but over the next few minutes, I get saucy.
7:28 a.m.: The burrito is in my belly. It was delightful. Of course, I knew I was going to regret my decision to eat it later, but in that moment? Bliss.
7:29 a.m.: “YOU GUYS HAVE A LIVE MAS DAY!” screams the guy behind the counter as I begin my assault on the A.M. Crunchwrap.The first bite is so close to Nirvana that Kurt Cobain might as well have sat next to me. Like the burrito, there’s no sauce for the first bite, but plenty of sauce after.
7:34 a.m.: The saddest moment of my senior year occurs, as I finish my Crunchwrap. It’s bacon, egg, cheese, a hash brown, and some sauce grilled up in a tortilla. What wouldn’t be amazing about it?
7:35 a.m.: My friend Barton joins us with a Waffle Taco and describes it as “wonderful,” a sentiment that I can hear repeated by other customers. I would estimate that customer satisfaction is at approximately 1,429 percent.
7:39 a.m.: The first person to arrive in their pajamas appears. It is a female in pink PJ pants with some kind of white animal printed on them, and a pink sweater that appears to say “Stone Harbor” in big letters across the front.
7:48 a.m.: We leave Taco Bell. It is a bittersweet moment, because while it was delicious and I want more, I know that the heart attack is probably not worth it.
7:56 a.m.: I arrive home and immediately fall asleep because, 1) I’m stuffed from breakfast and, 2) I just woke up at 6:15 in the morning to eat Taco Bell.
10:27 a.m.: Heartburn.
(For more on this historic day, here is a Storify compiled by Ali Fogarty)