Every Fall, a gaggle of fresh-faced, lanyard-clad 18-year olds joins the Penn State community. Every Fall, they make the same, predictable decisions (read: mistakes) we all once made.
It’s a wonderful inevitability: No matter how long you’ve been in State College, the freshmen will still always board the White Loop at East Halls, packed like cattle in the bullpens created to keep them orderly, dressed to the nines in whatever their impression of proper “night out in college” attire is, and ask someone sitting next to them if they know where Canyon Pizza is. It’s truly a beautiful thing, and a college memory many of us gaze upon fondly. And since it’s all really inevitable, it only makes sense to set proper lines and gamble on it (Note: Onward State does not promote gambling, this is just a fun hypothetical).
That’s why we’ve put together a list of prop bets for our classmates. Allow Onward State co-founder Evan Kalikow to explain a prop bet here: “A prop bet is short for proposition bet. Basically, it’s a bet on something not commonly betted upon. For example, lots of people bet on the score of the Super Bowl, but how many people bet on how many times the winning coach will say ‘humbled’ in the post-game press conference? That’s a prop bet.”
With that in mind, let’s begin AND REMEMBER ONWARD STATE IS NOT A GAMBLING OPERATION AND DOES NOT PROMOTE GAMBLING PLEASE WE WOULDN’T MAKE IT IN JAIL.
Seriously, now we’ll begin:
Over/Unders (per student)
- Hours spent trying to figure out ANGEL during Syllabus Week: 5
- Slices of Canyon during Syllabus Week: 4
- Times attempting to get in the back door of the White Loop or trying to get on before people get off: 2
- Times they exaggerate how popular/successful they were in high school: 25 minus the number of people at Penn State who can refute the claim
- Frat Parties rejected from (guys): 25
- Times walking into the wrong classroom: 3
- Times kicked off CATA bus for being too drunk/throwing up: 2
- Days before they stop wearing their lanyards: 35
- Times locked out of dorm room: 2
- DJs they pretend they know to seem cool: 7
- “College is so dope” text to high school friends: 75
- Weight gained: 15 lbs
1. Most-used poster in East Halls dorms:
- John Belushi “College”: 2-1
- Bob Marley: 3-1
- Fight Club: 3-1
- “The Kramer”: 5-1
- Beaver Stadium: 5-1
- Scarface: 8-1
- Audrey Hepburn: 12-1
- Naked Women Painted as Pink Floyd Albums: 15-1
There are certain cliché posters that stand the test of time. Everyone knows how lame they are, and yet they’re still purchased en masse at the HUB poster sale every August and September by eager inhabitants of Hastings and Bigler and everywhere in between. There are certainly other obvious ones, but the football stadium they’ve yet to see a game inside, and the man who epitomizes a lifestyle they can’t lead in a dorm are likely to dominate the conversation.
2. Favorite Drunken White Loop Chant:
- “We Are”: Even
- “Ayyyy, We Want Some PU-SAY”: 2-1
- “I Believe”: 5-1
- “We Are” (Zombie Nation Version): 10-1
- “We’re not that drunk!”: 15-1
- “Sweet Caroline”: 35-1
- JFK’s Inauguration Speech: 500-1
- Doing A Flip On The White Loop (With Successful Flip and no injuries): 100,000-1
Not that they (or anyone else who didn’t live in Miami in the 1980s) know words other than the chorus to the rest of 2 Live Crew’s seminal hit “We Want Some Pussy,” but man, if it hasn’t become a favorite amongst people who clearly aren’t getting laid tonight. “I Believe” blew up with the USMNT’s World Cup appearance this summer, and is an easy one to start. I will gladly pay over the odds to see someone recite, “Ask not what your country can do for you” in chant form. Finally, while its popularity is seemingly diminished, during this writer’s freshman year, flipping on the White Loop was a legendary chant (not the whole bus, just the individual). I’m not saying anyone should do it, I’m just saying you could get paid handsomely if you did.
3. Shitty Cheap Beer of Choice
- Natty Light: Even
- Keystone Light: 2-1
- Bud Light 3-1
- Busch Light: 4-1
- Coors Light: 5-1
- Yuengling Light: 10-1
- Labatt: 15-1
- The Alchemist Heady Topper: 10,000-1
Natty Light has become almost a meme, but Keith Stone and his marketing team have crept up in recent years. Bud would be higher if it kept its America-themed cans for the light version. In the end, most freshmen will opt for quantity and price over quality, as most of us are wont to do. Yuengling, boasting the local flair, certainly gives it better odds than anywhere else, but Yuengling Light doesn’t come close to the same level as the regular lager, and thus qualifies it for the list. If I saw a kid smuggling cans of Heady Topper in a backpack trying to get into Packer, I’d probably have to take him or her under my wing.