It’s your 21st birthday, and that means you’re making a trip to that little underground dive bar we know and love called the Phyrst. You do it because it’s tradition. You do it because you get a dope hat. You do it because no other bars will let you drink hard alcohol on the big night. You do it because your friends say you have to.
Whatever your reason may be, you’re going to end up at the Phyrst to celebrate and to drink your first ever alcoholic beverage, because it’s illegal to drink before you’re 21, and you would never break the law.
That’s when a predicament arises. You want to go hard and rage and get absolutely obliterated, and yet you realize that you’ll probably get kicked out if you do that. It’s your birthday. Your biggest birthday ever. You can’t get kicked out of the Phyrst on your birthday! You can’t have that be your only memory of the last important birthday in your life!
That’s where I come in. I pride myself on being somewhat of an expert on getting kicked out of the Phyrst, and so I bring you my year and change of legal drinking wisdom and my bar banishment expertise for this guide on How Not To Get Kicked Out Of The Phyrst On Your Birthday:
1. Don’t wear the hat.
I know. That’s blasphemous. But the hat makes you a target. It makes you a drunken mess of a target with a bright green hat on your head that says, “Hey! Look at me! It’s my birthday and I’m shitfaced and you should totally kick me out!”
Get the hat when you walk in. Take a picture or two with your friends while you can still smile without looking like you’re half asleep. Once you’ve done that, get rid of the hat and don’t even think about putting it back on.
On a related note, don’t wear a tiara and a birthday sash and a glittery shot glass on a beaded necklace while wearing matching birthday shirts with all of your friends.
2. Have your friends buy you drinks.
The bouncers are pretty vigilant about overly drunk patrons, but they don’t even compare to the Phyrst girls behind the bar. They keep a close eye out for people trying to order drinks that can barely speak anymore, and they keep an even closer eye if you have a hat on. They play no games.
If you’re not going to follow the first rule, you have to follow this one. If you’re noticeably drunk, the bartender will scream over to a bouncer and before you know it, you’ll be standing on Beaver Avenue wondering where it went wrong. You are going to be the most drunk of your friend group and they should be buying you drinks anyway, so have them make the trip to the bar in your stead.
3. Sit down. Don’t even think about dancing.
Do you know where most people at the Phyrst are standing when they get kicked out? Anywhere, because your drunkenness becomes glaringly obvious if you’re stumbling around. The second you and your friends spot an open table, take a seat and hold down the fort the rest of the night. You can play the Phyrst table game, hear and watch the live music, get the bar cowbell, and more. In other words, everything you need is at those tables.
Do you know what happens when you try and stand on the dance floor? You get kicked out no matter what. Only bobbing your head? You’re too drunk and you look out of it. Leave the bar. Dancing your ass off because you’re having a great time? You’re clearly drunk — you gotta go. Just standing there because the music sucks? Only drunk people just stand there. Get out. (These are actual scenarios that have happened to me with alcohol levels ranging from barely buzzed to “when did My Hero Zero double in size?”)
4. Don’t be that guy (or girl).
I know that of my above advice makes it sounds like your night is going to be a total buzzkill. It won’t be. Drink. In fact, drink a lot. Have a great time. Down some trashcans and some tequila shots and some Yuengling pitchers and do yo thang. But don’t be that guy. Don’t cause a scene and draw attention to yourself. Have just the right amount of fun without giving the bouncers a reason to watch you.
5. Avoid Yawning/Leaning on Friends
The Phyrst bouncers are known as some of the most draconian in town, and even a simple yawn can get you thrown out, especially if you have already participated in any of the above antics. Everyone has a bullshit story about getting thrown out of the Phyrst stone cold sober because they yawned or leaned on a friend for a moment out of natural drowsiness. No one has ever convinced a Phyrst bouncer to let them stay, no matter how sober they are. No one.
Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Ignore everything in this post. Go hard and get kicked out and then get Ernie’s. It’s your birthday. Do it for the story.