The Writing On The Wall: Zeno’s Bathrooms Uncovered

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Nestled cozily under the floor of the Corner Room right off Allen Street, Zeno’s Bar operates a successful, but definitely an under-the-radar establishment. While many know of this bar because of the unnecessarily long line that is Pickle’s, Zeno’s is undoubtedly the mecca for any self-proclaimed craft beer lover. It’s reputation for upholding the quirkiness and eccentricity of State College is filled with flowing beer from all over the world as well as live music from local artists that perform everything from folk to rock.

While Zeno’s is definitely a laid-back place to grab a drink after a long day and converse with some diverse patrons, the true essence of Zeno’s is engrained into the architecture that is the underground watering hole. And quite literally, the idiosyncrasy of Zeno’s is written on its bathroom’s walls.

From vulgar to philosophical, you are bound to find a quote or amateur illustration that speaks to you on some level. Some provide transcendental advice while others are just plain funny, all while helping to keep you distracted while releasing yourself from a basic, human, urinary function. While our staff has constantly been mesmerized by the expressions that frequent these bathroom walls, we’ve always wondered what the calligraphy on the opposite gender’s bathroom looked like and how they compare to one another. So, we ventured to Zeno’s to shoot back a couple Apricot Wheats and find out:

WOMEN’S

Zeno's W ShipsWhile metaphorically I agree that life is all about taking chances, I think the Titanic would beg to differ on this advice.

Zeno's W PhilosophicalI feel like Nicholas Sparks should not be frequenting a women’s bathroom, but this proved to be the most heartfelt and self-reflective.

Zeno's W Sensible ShoesEven though the first thing I thought of when I saw this declaration was the Youtube video “Shoes,” it still holds true that ladies, you will always deserve a pair of badass kicks.

Zeno's W Writing WhateverKaitlin, you are a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. Keep doing you.

Zeno's W SantaqWhile I probably won’t be taking sex advice from Zeno’s bathroom, a penis shaped Santa Clause saying “Practice safe sex” definitely holds some truth.

Zeno's W RimsI could make an anal joke, butt fuck it.

Zeno's W Value of the DUnless someone has a gilded penis, whoever said that they were high in value?

Zeno's W HomeSince graduation is right around the corner, this one seemed fitting as not only will Zeno’s be home, but Penn State will forever be home too.

MEN’S

Zeno's M FailureWhile I can relate to the failure part, I really want to shake the hand of this man and hear his undoubtedly interesting life story.

Zeno's M DyslexiaHands down favorite one.

Zeno's M Kenny LogginsI mean Katy Perry had Kenny in her “Last Friday Night” music video, so I guess it’s never a bad idea to call him if you are in need of the soothing sounds of woodwinds.

Zeno's M PlanetI’ve heard of the whole “When Pigs Fly” saying, but I’m having a nightmarish time picturing literal assholes flying around the Earth’s atmosphere.

Zeno's M PrematureSounds like a personal problem, my man.

Zeno's M Drink and DriveNow this guy is on to something. This is the kind of person I would vote for any day before Donald Trump.

Guy's PrayerWhile this isn’t the type of prayer I say at night before I go to sleep, he does have a good poetic rhythm with very inspirational insight.

Zeno's M JesusAn omnipotent baked good — now this is something I can believe in. Sop me up all you want my flaky, buttery Lord!

Photo By: Staff
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About Author

Drew Klingenberg

As well as being a staff writer for Onward State, Drew is a self-proclaimed Pittsburgh expert and traveling enthusiast. When he is not hiking some strange yet secluded area of the United States, you can see him either standing entirely too long in the State College Chipotle line, or at the gym acting like he's doing something productive. If you appreciate sub-par humor or overly-saturated photography, follow him on Twitter and Instagram (@dmklingenberg). For inquiries please email Drew at [email protected]

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