There were no surprises in Saquon Barkley’s guest appearance on Barstool Pizza Review Monday night. State College’s pizza got a bad review. Dave Portnoy used plenty of bro talk and acted like a typical, butthurt Michigan fan. Showers came up in the conversation. And Barkley, as graceful and cordial as quick and agile, handled the situation with poise, his signature smile, and some crafty comebacks.

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Portnoy and Barkley reviewed Mediterraneo in Manhattan, but as many conversations between Nittany Lions and Wolverines go, the interview took a few detours.

Portnoy began by asking Barkley what the score of the Penn State vs. Michigan game was this season. Barkley humbly responded that he thinks it was 28-13. (Let the record show the score was 42-13 and Barkley torched what was supposed to be one of the nation’s top defense with 176 total yards and three touchdowns, including this dandy to open the game up.)

Portnoy immediately attributed the loss to the Wolverines being without quarterback Wilton Speight, to which Barkley rebutted that it was instead thanks to the White Out crowd. (He must’ve taken the lyrics of the most played song this season to heart.) Portnoy came firing back with a totally original and never-before-mentioned clapback.

“I’ve seen the White Out,” Portnoy said. “When I was going to school, it was decent, but you all had that shower shit going on.”

Barkley seemed to smile uncomfortably and say, “Oh, you’re taking it there.”

After trying to give Barkley a lesson on who the best running backs in NFL history are (Barkley politely argued that he is “a big football fan” and that Emmett Smith’s rushing record should speak for itself.), Portnoy proceeded to ask Barkley why he’d “go to Penn State instead of a place like Michigan with all the ‘stuff’ going on.”

And then, Barkley took a page out of his former head coach’s book about how to ruffle feathers in interviews with sly comments and drove a dagger into Portnoy like his 42-yard touchdown reception in the fourth quarter against Michigan that put the game away and knocked the Wolverines out of the top 25.

“I feel like because we get championships at Penn State,” he said. “We got the Big Ten championship ring. When was the last time Michigan got one?”

“Recently.”

I guess that depends on your definition of recent.

The last time Michigan won the Big Ten, the Wolverines shared the title with Iowa 2004, when Chad Henne was the quarterback. But hey, that was only three head coaches ago and it’s not like, in that span of time, Penn State rebounded from one of the worst stretches in program history, rattled off three 11-win seasons, lost its head coach of 56 years, was crippled by the sanctions, and then overcame them to win the Big Ten.

In addition to wrecking hurdling Stool Presidente, Barkley may’ve helped the controversial page get a few extra views.

The only person who could make me watch douchey Barstool content: Saquon Barkley.

— Carolyn Lasky (@carolaskyn) January 15, 2018

If we learned anything that we didn’t already know Monday night, it’s that Saquon Barkley is a pizza aficionado. He gave a deeply analytical review and 6.6 score to the pizza, explained the meaningful differences between the respective qualities of pizza in New York, where he was born, and Pennsylvania, where he moved as a child, and knew better than to try swallowing a wad of basil.

If that’s the case, then Barkley should consider ways to get out of going to the Browns, who claim hold to the No. 1 and No. 4 picks in this year’s NFL Draft.

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