With nearly a dozen fraternities on suspension or having lost university recognition, the large mansions that used to be inhabited by these organizations have spent some time empty.
Frat row is looking like a ghost town no more, though, with disgruntled freshmen who got stuck with supplemental housing having jumped at the opportunity to take one of those hundreds of open rooms.
“I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get the hell out,” one supplemental escapee said. “Before I left I hadn’t been alone in months. One dude never left — he just played Fortnite all day. Another ate and drank all my shit. I swear to God one kid was watching me in my sleep.”
“This old frat has holes in the wall and is covered in mold. It might permanently smell like weed, but, like, it’s better than that East Halls jail cell,” he continued. “And who even would want to buy one of these places? They’re everywhere. I’m feeling pretty set here.”
Those who waited it out back in their supplemental dorms expressed positive feelings about the new arrangements, as well.
“Yeah, this is working out great for me,” an East Halls supplemental resident said. “I started out with like eight roommates and now it’s just me in this big-ass room. Every time I hear another frat got shut down, I’m like ‘score.’ By the time I get home, two or three of my roommates will have just disappeared.”
When asked for a comment on the situation, the university stated that it’ll continue to make “extraordinary efforts” to find the root of this problem, but these students are “taking shelter outside the limits of the university’s authority on privately-owned property.”
“Maybe the St. Moritz checkers are still going there,” the university concluded. All possible reports from these third-party security guards, are, apparently, lost to history.