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The One Kid In Your Zoom Lecture Finally Finds The Mute Button

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

Let’s be honest, folks. Nobody enjoys an online 8 a.m. Besides waking up at the crack of dawn during what realistically (still) feels like spring break, you need to deal with lectures crashing and professors attempting to corral their kids while salvaging a lesson plan.

But there’s one terrible aspect of online learning that trumps all: the kid who can’t figure out how to mute himself.

We’ve all been there. Your Zoom call is chugging along as planned until your professor asks students to mute themselves before taking a quiz or beginning a lecture. That one kid, however, doesn’t. Perhaps he doesn’t realize his mic is still on. Maybe he just gets a kick out of disrespecting authority. Or possibly he believes he’d actually add something to the lesson!

Whatever the reason, this guy carries on with his normal routine without a care in the world. He pulls out his shitty acoustic guitar and strums along to “Wonderwall,” but always manages to miss that chord in the chorus, much to his classmates’ dismay. He distracts the class by talking like a baby to his dog. He brings his computer with him to the restroom and, well, you can piece that together.

But today…today is different. You no longer hear bowel movements over your CAS 100 slides and E major (read: incorrect) chords while taking quizzes. All you catch? The deafening sound of silence.

He did it. The madman finally did it — the impossible. He found that mute button and absolutely smashed it into oblivion.

After all, it wasn’t easy. He needed to open his eyes, move them to the bottom-left corner of the screen, read the mute button, and then have the audacity (!!) to definitively and triumphantly click his mouse.

The prophecy foretold such a momentous occasion!

It’s unreal that this kid was able to overcome the odds and do the impossible. Honestly, this is right up there with David beating Goliath, the 13 colonies sticking one to Great Britain, and Rocky Balboa’s title fight against Apollo Creed in terms of underdog victories.

So enjoy that silence and soak in every waking moment without that kid’s annoying tendencies interrupting your learning. This is your time to shine, baby.

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About the Author

Matt DiSanto

Matt is a junior majoring in journalism and is Onward State's managing editor. He's a huge Philadelphia sports fan, fantasy football aficionado, and washed-up drummer hailing from Collegeville, Pa. The quickest way to his heart is Margherita pizza. He loves Seinfeld, is really into video games, and would wipe the floor with you in Halo. Follow him on Twitter @mattdisanto_ for bad sports takes or email him at [email protected]

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