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Why Iowa Sucks

Hello, my friends. You may wonder why I have gathered you here. On Saturday, our noble football team will enter Kinnick Stadium, located in the great American wasteland known as Iowa.

Iowa is a desolate place, where hopes and dreams go to die, sucked into a black hole of desolation. You, my lucky compadre, may not have had the misfortune of venturing into this abyss; in fact, you may harbor the deep resentment of one who has lost part of their soul in Iowa. Tread in ignorance no longer, for I will guide you through a quick informative list:

  • Have you ever driven past a farm and smelled it, and couldn’t wait for that smell to go away? Imagine that lasting an entire state.
  • Have you ever driven near an Iowan driver and lived to tell the tale? You’re one among a handful.
  • Holy shit is that state boring.
  • Iowans don’t even acknowledge this. They compare Iowa (favorably) to New York City.
  • Iowa was one of the first states to support same-sex marriage. The judges involved in that decision were promptly removed from their post, and subsequent polling reveals that most people do not support same-sex marriage.
  • Iowa is an anomaly to any preconceived notions regarding midwesterners and “nice”.
  • Just read this article, and the warm reception the writer received.
  • 2008 football.
  • 2008-09 basketball.
  • It floods every year. Coincidence?
  • Aforementioned flooding costs US taxpayers billions of dollars in federal aid
  • They may claim to be Americans, but considering that corn is driving up obesity in America, they’re closer to terrorists.
  • It’s not a lake…yet.

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