15 Classes We Wish Were Offered at Penn State

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Sure, we’ve all taken EGEE102 with Pisupati, GEOSCI010 with Richard Alley (RockOn!), or THEA100 with Rob Schneider (sigh), but what about other classes we wish we had? If Rutgers can get away with a class about Beyoncé and Bruce Springsteen we can get away with some novelty courses too, right? Here are several potential courses that wouldn’t stand a chance on the watch list:

1. Yinzguistics – Yinz going dahntahn to tha strip district to get some Primantis n’at? Here we go Stillers! Stairway to seven! Alternate title: W T F DOES IT ALL MEAN?

2. THON 101: Professor: Kevin Horne – In case you haven’t read it, our Managing Editor Kevin Horne wrote about the qualms he has with THON a couple years ago and was immediately labeled a THON-hating virgin, which is mostly true. It would have to be a freshman seminar, that way he could mold their naive minds from the get go. Eventually, after about 15 minutes, the THON community would catch wind of it and take over. But those first 15 minutes would be the best 15 minutes on Twitter all semester.

3. Comm 497G: Joe Paterno, Communications & the Media – Yes, this used to be an actual class but it would be totally different this time. Board of Trustees! 409 Truthers! Beaver Canyon Riots! Where is the statue? So many questions, all in one semester.

4. Intro to Creationism: Professor: Willard Preacher – We already hear the spiel everyday. We’re all going to repent in hell! Condoms are for losers! The Willard Preacher definitely has the stamina to teach in a classroom like 100 Thomas and probably wouldn’t even need a mic. Let’s all put our student loan money towards finally paying that poor man so he can buy a new red sweatshirt.

5. Geography 410: “Outside of Philly” – When half of the student population tells you they’re from “outside of Philly” this could mean just about anywhere in the state of Pennsylvania. So where is “outside of Philly” exactly? What’s the limit? Three hours? Can we just have people say Bucks or Delaware County? We’re not from Mars, we know where that is. Give us a break and tell us where you’re actually from.

6. Food Science 260: New York bagels and pizza, aka The Good Shit - When you’re drunk off of gin buckets and natty, any pizza tastes awesome. But State College pizza isn’t good, it’s just pizza. What we need is real pizza. Import the dough from Brooklyn, I don’t care what you have to do, but give me some bagels that I can be proud of. Irving’s bagels get the job done, don’t get me wrong, but there’s nothing like a New Jersey/New York bagel or slice. And don’t you dare dip it in ranch.

7. Soc 001: Wawa vs. Sheetz - Let’s settle this once and for all. Hoagiefest or Hot and Cold Subz? Turkey Gobbler or Pulled Pork sub? This rivalry will hopefully never die, but it would be nice to formally set the story straight, with the help of a professional, neutral adult.

8. HIST1855 — The History of Penn State – This is actually a serious suggestion. Several universities with deep histories and traditions like Penn State have courses that teach about the history of the school. Remember that Daily Collegian freshman guide a couple years ago that said George Atherton was the first president? It’s actually Evan Pugh, of course, and a class like this would go a long way into improving everyone’s Penn State IQ.

9. Tailgating Seminar - Most important lesson: how to avoid an underage. Field trips would include corn hole and KanJam practice. Discovery of Blue Moon and Sierra Nevada cans. Making the ultimate buffalo chicken dip. How to respectfully hate Michigan. How to ration meal points to afford chicken finger baskets at each home game. Learn from our mistakes, freshmen.

10. Physics 211: Science of the Beer Bong - Would consist of only watching this video on loop.

11. BBH 100: Something About Adderall - Nittany Notes include “30mg extended release will change your life… and keep you awake for two days”

12. Bi Sci 069: Sex and Why it’s “Nice” – A critical review of the weekly Daily Collegian sex column. Including but not limited to “You finally shut the hell up and let me sit on your face as well as “I’m thankful for leggings, stockings and yoga pants.”

13. MHZ 001: The College Cover Band and Society: Professor: Jason O. AKA The Dreads Guy from My Hero Zero - Is playing at THON the highlight of their careers? What is their favorite bar to play in? Is it also their favorite bar to drink in? Did they even go here? Do they have a 10-year plan? If not, can we help them make one?

14. PST 021: the art of the TwentyPhyrst birthday - Pro Tip: Don’t put on the hat and they’ll give you shots. Alternatives for the Phyrst? What time to start the pregame and how much tequila you shouldn’t drink. How to still get people to pay attention to your 21st even though you’re abroad. This is a critical time in our college careers. We can finally buy beer in State College!

15. What is the Land Grant System? - After the Willard Preacher showdown with Professor Bergstein, we all were wondering, “What does state-related mean anyway?” Remembering our agricultural school roots, we will figure out what exactly is going on in Old Main. Or at least try to.

Any classes you would want to add? Let us know in the comments.

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Senior. Print Journalism Major, Spanish Minor. My only childhood memory involves me playing with a toy circus car.

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