If you can have sex quietly enough to not wake your roommate, it’s a gift. In fact, I like to think of it as a game of “don’t wake the neighbor.” If your roommate doesn’t wake up, you win! After all, “making love” under those conditions is an act worthy of applause, not prohibition.

This is not the case with Tufts University, a private university near Boston which has enacted a policy to ban sex in dormitories while roommates are present. Moreover, the policy specifies that students are forbidden to ask their roommates to leave the room, as reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer.

To me, waking up to the creaking of bedsprings and heavy breathing is more of a laughing matter than something to get seriously angry about. Students at other universities have gotten along fine without such rules, using methods ranging from direct text messages to complex systems of socks/scrunchies on the doorknob.

Still, Tufts University has found it necessary to “cockblock” and intervene in student affairs. However, no methods of punishment for breaking this rule have been announced by the university. Since they’re having trouble thinking of effective punishments, I came up with a set of extra rules and punishments to ease concerns about wrongdoers and to help Tufts University out.

1: If students feel the urge to have sex, they must seek the nearest lounge, preferably one with a comfy couch, to engage in these heinous activities. Heaven forbid these kids use their dorm rooms for such carnal pleasures!

2: Sexual partners should be escorted from the dorm rooms by 2 a.m. nightly. Visitors may seek sleep in their nearest lounge, though they may encounter other couples and increased noise (Note: Visitors staying in the lounges are encouraged to bring extra sheets to prevent contact with any unidentified couch stains).

3: Roommates wishing to sleep should still stay up and leave the lights on until 2 a.m. This is both to assure that there is no mischief  in the room and to make certain that any extras have left the room.

4: Regardless of the time, uncomfortable students should feel free to consult their RA’s or to call our helpline at 1-800-SPERMWATCH for assistance in preventing the sexual activity of their roommates. Communication with fellow roommates can be tough and, especially on this matter, should not be directly addressed. Tufts University is always willing to aid students in whatever way possible.

5: Finally, as punishment for these acts is hard to coordinate-due mainly to the fact that students would otherwise sleep through them-concerned students are welcome to take matters into their own hands. Replacing or tampering with contraceptives is fair game in teaching roommates a lesson they’ll never forget!

Hope this helps, Tufts! I hope that universities nationwide, not just Tufts, will soon adopt these and other similar sex policies.