Do you hate fun? Do you want to make sure it gets the hell out of State College on February 26? Do you want to contribute to the rising crime statistics of the infamous State Patty’s Day? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you should apply to be a Community Outreach Informant (whoops, I meant Volunteer) with the State College Borough!

Applications are now available on the Borough’s website, which bills the job in a suspiciously unmilitant way:

You are invited to take part in a pro-active initiative to “Promote safety, pride, and respect in State College on February 26th, 2011.” Volunteers will be needed to form teams of students and residents to walk throughout the area maintaining a friendly and sober presence.

Volunteers are taking two-hour shifts starting on that Saturday at noon and running through 4 a.m. on Sunday, during which they will roam the streets of State College keeping them sober for the…uh, who’s left downtown after the drunk college kids?

Regardless of whether or not you agree with the holiday, there are a couple things that are true. First, that it’s going to depend on who staffs these groups—if they’re readers of the CDT’s anti-State Patty’s columns, that ran every week for over a month before last year’s holiday, will be out for blood. I’m skeptical of how “friendly” their “sober presence” will be. We should expect that students will be more lenient, and if anything, trying to keep their peers out of trouble.

Second, following that, the reason that crime statistics have been going up on State Patty’s Day is that now the crusade has been taken up, and the Borough and police are out to get everyone celebrating—of course the statistics are going to go up if you’re looking for more arrests. And oh, by the way, most of the criminals are from out of town anyway.

So, it’s up to you decide what kind of State Patty’s Day it will be. If you want to curry favor with the Borough, now’s your chance.