Sex, Drugs & Blogopuffs: An Introduction
As you have undoubtedly realized, Dr. Wolfgang Merriweather is a pseudonym of sorts, the outgrowth of a life-long desire to write under guise, dissociating my identity from my words. Wolfgang is a symbol. He is every man.
You see, Wolfgang has one singular passion in life. Even though he hasn’t graduated with a doctorate from any university yet– he is in fact a Penn State undergraduate– he attempts to learn all there is to know about one thing: Girls.
The Dr. is now in.
Day after day as I walk through campus I think about the things I have learned in my years.
Some of what I have learned was academic knowledge, some of it social and practical– do you know how to roll a blunt?– but when I consider it all, I realize that there was always one thing in common: Girls.
Girls are like waypoints in your life; each one you’ve done corresponds to a distinct moment in your life, a period of time complete with everything else that was going on. I know, I’m going totally High Fidelity on you, but let me ask you this: What do waypoints and time matter when you walk among an always changing and endless sea of girls?
Coming to Penn State means having about 40,000 classmates. That means nearly 20,000 girls here. Let’s say 40% of those don’t go out, and we’re still left with more than 10,000 girls… you tell me how many of those you think are DTF.
Let me put it in another and more basic way: there are literally thousands of tappable and attractive (even when sober) girls roaming this fine campus.
They all look the same this time of year, marching around in outfits all of the same basic pattern: a North Face, Uggs or something like them, and leggings. It never really matters what they are wearing anyways, since it will hopefully end up on the floor at the end of your bed.
Girls at Penn State might not put in the required effort to appear stylish for class, but that is not at the case when it comes to going out. It’s admirable, really, for the herds to trudge through the elements on their way to whatever destination dressed in outfits which seem to have the sole purpose of making these girls cold, bare and uncomfortable. And that, ladies and gentleman of the blog, is a great thing.
When the bars yell last call and the parties start to dwindle, you have two options. You can either wander Calder Way for a State College hooker (Lioncash not accepted) or you you can put your final moves on the hot seven whose name you think begins with a L…or a K, even though it doesn’t really matter.
If you need some tips for the latter route, that’s where I come in. I have been developing my brain (and getting some too) since I was born, perfecting my game and maintaining my swagger. I intend on sharing my researched and heavily tested methods with you all.
I, Dr. Wolfgang Merriweather, am here to convey my past lessons, conquests, and mistakes when it comes to the female gender.
Let’s begin. This week’s topic is:
When you’re talking with a girl at a party, the best bet is to ask questions. Don’t worry about whether you’re interested in the subject, that’s not what matters.* Let her talk about herself as you nod and enjoy your drink. Continue the conversation by asking questions and the girl will end up feeling connected to you– a feeling that will hopefully end up with you feeling her. Make sure to retain some of that knowledge for the next morning so you can make small talk as she heads out your door.
*Pro Tip: For enduring long talks, I suggest relaxing with a hand-rolled Game before the party.
That’s all for this week. Let me know what you want to hear about next week in the comments.
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About the Author
Students once approved a Wally Triplett statue that Penn State’s bureaucracy prevented from ever coming to fruition.
Rednor is current a junior and the president of Zeta Tau Alpha sorority.
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