Trojan Sends Condoms to Collegian, Onward State Feels Betrayed
Throughout life, everyone learns that actions speak louder than words. Onward State is a humble organization: one of principle, one of virtue, one of integrity, and one of honesty. It is our mission to passionately serve the needs of those whom we consistently satisfy. We tirelessly push on through late nights to pleasure those who always come and enjoy what we have to offer. But an injustice was committed against us, and it’s personal.
@Kris_Helfer announced that The Daily Collegian received an offering of condoms and “goodies” from Trojan. We consider this to be a low blow from Trojan, who has situated Ms. Helfer and The Daily Collegian the position to receive a generous endowment without even taking a moment to slow down and understand what large impact this package may leave on everyone.
The hypocrisy. It’s so absurd that one cannot help but gag.
We are not willing to swallow our pride despite how difficult this miscarriage of justice may be to grasp. In fact, the only fair remedy for the dirty linen concerning Ms. Helfer’s viral announcement of receiving a mysterious package from Trojan, would be through the simple task of Trojan expanding its tools to provide a shipment to Onward State of equal or greater value than the original handout.
And why does it matter so much to us?
Because the recipients of Trojan’s package were given an extra hand for doing nothing more than threadbare leisure, while we labor our backs to the bone. Simply put, we were shafted. We struggle to finish off every single day knowing we chased down every tail or lead. We make it our point to ensure that we cover everything. Always. Whether large or small, fake or real, new or old, fun or dull; whether death or life, cruel or kind, dark or light, thin or wide, we cover it. And we feel like Trojan should appreciate such a thorough quality.
If this failed to pull out the cold, hard truth, we’re sending a letter to Trojan to get our well deserved condoms and “goodies” whose description was far too vague for us not to inquire. We can only assume that because the goodies are from Trojan, they might belong properly on one’s face, or in one’s hand, or even mouth. We aren’t sure, but we definitely need sunglasses, Frisbees, or candy.
Let it be known that this is only just the tip!
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About the Author
Do you yearn for cigarette ash-dusted grilled cheeses from “quintessential shithole” Grillers? Or a night out at G-Man with your old frat bros? Or have evenings of drinking felt incomplete ever since Canyon moved across Beaver and got rid of its sticky blue picnic tables?
It’s hard not to draw parallels between this year’s lacrosse team and a couple other Nittany Lion teams that have used the City of Brotherly Love as a launching pad to sustained success.
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