Trojan Sends Condoms to Collegian, Onward State Feels Betrayed

Throughout life, everyone learns that actions speak louder than words. Onward State is a humble organization: one of principle, one of virtue, one of integrity, and one of honesty. It is our mission to passionately serve the needs of those whom we consistently satisfy. We tirelessly push on through late nights to pleasure those who always come and enjoy what we have to offer. But an injustice was committed against us, and it’s personal.

@Kris_Helfer announced that The Daily Collegian received an offering of condoms and “goodies” from Trojan. We consider this to be a low blow from Trojan, who has situated Ms. Helfer and The Daily Collegian the position to receive a generous endowment without even taking a moment to slow down and understand what large impact this package may leave on everyone.

The hypocrisy. It’s so absurd that one cannot help but gag.

We are not willing to swallow our pride despite how difficult this miscarriage of justice may be to grasp. In fact, the only fair remedy for the dirty linen concerning Ms. Helfer’s viral announcement of receiving a mysterious package from Trojan, would be through the simple task of Trojan expanding its tools to provide a shipment to Onward State of equal or greater value than the original handout.

And why does it matter so much to us?

Because the recipients of Trojan’s package were given an extra hand for doing nothing more than threadbare leisure, while we labor our backs to the bone. Simply put, we were shafted. We struggle to finish off every single day knowing we chased down every tail or lead. We make it our point to ensure that we cover everything. Always. Whether large or small,¬†fake or real, new or old, fun or dull; whether death or life, cruel or kind, dark or light, thin or wide, we cover it. And we feel like Trojan should appreciate such a thorough quality.

If this failed to pull out the cold, hard truth, we’re sending a letter to Trojan to get our well deserved condoms and “goodies” whose description was far too vague for us not to inquire. We can only assume that because the goodies are from Trojan, they might belong properly on one’s face, or in one’s hand, or even mouth. We aren’t sure, but we definitely need sunglasses, Frisbees, or candy.

Let it be known that this is only just the tip!

Your ad blocker is on.

Please choose an option below.

Sign up for our e-mail newsletter:
Support quality journalism:
Purchase a Subscription!

About the Author

Chadwick Lynch

I am a creative thinker and content contributor for Onward State. There is always a madness to my method; it's easier to see in the darkness of abstraction when truth causes blindness. I'm only as serious as you think I am. Obscuris Vera Involvens

Meet The Penn Staters Competing In The Paris Olympics

Twenty-one current and former Penn State athletes will appear in the Paris Olympic Games.

News & Notes From James Franklin’s Big Ten Media Days Availability

Franklin addressed the media on day two of Big Ten Media Days Wednesday.

UPUA Confirms Chief Justice & Funds Test Prep Week Materials

The 19th Assembly of the University Park Undergraduate Association (UPUA) passed four new action items at its meeting Wednesday night.

Other posts by Chadwick

Flex Your Rights: 10 Rules of dealing with Police

If you need to speak to an officer while driving, on the street or at your home, there are 10 rules you should know to protect yourself and to protect your rights — knowing these rules can prevent fines and unnecessary interactions with police.

I learned these rules in a presentation last night from “Flex Your Rights”, which was given by the ACLU of Penn State.

10 Creepy Places You Never Noticed On Campus

Penn State is Going to the Moon