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No Shave November Contest: Beard Lapse Bonanza

The beard. The essence of man. The thicket of virility that is responsible for everything kick-ass.

It has long been said that once Adam took his first bite from the fruit of knowledge, that a beard immediately sprouted upon his boyish chin. That the Golden Fleece of Jason was really the beard of Odin. That it was not Samson’s hair that allowed him to kill a lion with his bare hands and vanquish 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey, but his illustrious face-bush.

Kimbo Slice, Paul Bunyan, Uncle Jesse (Dukes of Hazzard, not Full House. I hope this clarification is unnecessary), Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, Rick Ross, Snarf, Charles Darwin, the Boots lady, Gandalf, Commander Mark. OK, so Commander Mark only had a mustache, but if he had a beard, I probably wouldn’t suck at drawing. The point is that every man person that has helped turn the wheel of progress has had a beard.

November is the month in which we pay homage to the king of locks, satisfying our beard lust with a 30-day shaving embeardgo, although the beard’s power usually remains strong through the winter months of Decembeard, Manuary, and Februhairy. For the manliest of men, a month is enough time to farm a mandible mane that would make Solomon blush. We at Onward State believe that such formidable creations should never go unnoticed, and so we are pleased to announce our very first No Shave November Contest: ONWARD STATE’S BEARD LAPSE BONANZA!!!

Do you believe that you are Penn State’s foremost barbeardian? Well, prove it! Before FRIDAY, take a picture of your cleanly shaven face and email it to Onward State. Then, at the end of the month, send another picture with what your face mustered. Both of these picture must clearly display Onward State’s homepage in it, or you will be disqualified. The man with the face that arouses us the most will be named State College’s Archetype of Masculinity, and will also be handsomely rewarded.

Also, I, along with the rest of the Onward State Staff, would like to take this moment to invite The Daily Collegian to a little beard-off. We would like to match an equal number of gentleman from each organization to cultivate as much facial hair as possible (the women could grow out their leg hair if they please), and at the end of this excellent celebration, in front of a panel of uninvolved members from each party, shave their beards (/legs) and whoever has the greater weight in shavings will be named victor. As men and women of science, Onward State knows that it is not the size of a beard that matters, but it’s density. The winner’s prize/loser’s penalty will be determined at a later date. What do ya say, TDC, up for the challenge?

Looking for a song about that erotic feeling a beard gives you? You got it!


Ready. Set. Grow!

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About the Author

Ryan Kristobak

Hailing from Lebanon, PA, I am a senior majoring in print journalism. Things I enjoy include lovesacs, denim, mullets, Fight Milk, Jonny Moseley, and "hang in there" kitten posters. Things that bother me include "fun" sized candy bars (not fun), fish, shoobies, wet door knobs, baby leashes, and Jake Lloyd.

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