Avicii Gets House Bros Hard at BJC Tonight

You got LAX bros, frat bros and any other combination of dudes broing out while mutually involved in a shared activity (pottery bros?). But a more recent bromosexual anomaly is the advent of the house bros.

No, this isn’t dudes in Greek letters who call the palaces of cheap beer and easy girls home. That is actually bromesticated bros– a branch of the frat bro. House bros are the douches that bought florescent snap backs and pinnies not to get a bid but because they were rolling face on three blue stars of ecstasy.

House bros religiously jam artists like Deadmau5, Tiesto, and Swedish House Mafia while at the gym or driving in their dad’s Audi. Another quality of house bros is their poor impulsive beat boxing and dilated pupils. Easiest way to spot a house bro in a sea of other bros is to look past the cross tattoos and hair gel for “candy” (colorful rave bracelets) or Parliament cigarettes.

If no defining attribute can be spotted, the house bro will undoubtedly be dancing. Not the bumpin’ and grindin’ signature of the frat bro, house bros will be awkwardly flailing in shitty robotic motions attracting girls that have ingested comparable amounts of MDMA. If you’re afraid the bro is seizing or choking on something scalding hot, it is most likely a house bro.

If this form of bro is uncommon to you, wait until later tonight. It is like Hanukkah (Daft Punk would be Christmas) for the Penn State chapter of house bros because Avicii is performing at the Bryce Jordan Center.

Our conservative university has given the BJC the keys to our collective chastity belt and decided to throw a rave at the venue Drake put Penn State to sleep at last week. It is unconfirmed, but this may be a conscious move to keep the Electronic Dance Music Club (yeah, it’s real) from rolling at Lady Antabellum.

Avicii is a Swedish house artist that fuses electro and pop into dancey tracks. He uses the bass signature of European techno while employing synthesized high notes to create catchy melodies that make you impulsively head bob like you’re an extra in A Night at the Roxbury. While Avicii is enjoyable drunk, any type of speed ranging from e pills to power hours with espresso shots to lines of your neighbor’s adderall would be your best option to get a real house bro experience.

I hope the local law enforcement didn’t put away the tear gas canisters yet, because the house bros will be trampling through State College tonight, petting anything fuzzy and confusing stop lights for strobe lights. Luckily, nothing will be damaged during a house bro gathering besides brain cells and the public perception of our current generation.

Rave on, bros!

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