My initial plan was to hop on one of these new CATA buses, because according to our last post, they cost a whopping $5 million so I figured these must be some pretty bougie rides. However, when I waited at the White Loop (aka Whoop) stop yesterday for over 30 minutes, three regular lowbrow buses rolled by, so I said f*ck this, I’m just gonna talk about what I would expect a $450,000 bus would include.

1. Xzibit and Mad Mike. Any upgraded vehicle deserves to be presented by the stars of Pimp My Ride themselves, Xzibit and Mad Mike. I can only assume that West Coast Customs had something to do with all of this. Plus, who doesn’t love the sweet sound of Xzibit shouting at you unnecessarily about 72 inch tv screens?
2. Still Fly by Big Tymers. I’m positive this is the only song playing on these bad boys.
3. Alligator Seats. In that same vein, what else would you want cushioning your delicate, hungover self to class other than some grade A gator hide? (The answer is nothing. Fool.)
4. Veuve Clicquot Rosé Champagne. Nothing screams “trust fund” quite like rosé. And that’s what they were going for, right?
5. Silent Drivers. Because nothing is more awkward than getting on the bus with the guy who sings really loud. You know who I’m talking about. Unless he/she is singing Nelly’s “Ride With Me”. Then all is forgiven.