Just when you thought you could take your walk of shame unnoticed this weekend, free to roam the barren canning weekend streets, I am here to remind you that it is Penn State parents weekend, and there will be plenty of people around to watch you trollop back to your dorm, heels in hand.

The other good news is I am also here to tell you what’s worth attending and what to skip.

For a complete listing of whats available, click here for a PDF of the program for the weekend.

There’s a lot to look through though, so let’s break it down day by day:

FRIDAY

Worth going to:

• Beaver Stadium Tour. This looks pretty cool and is probably something that is only an option during parents weekend. It is worth noting however that you do have to pay for this, so keep that in mind. But your parents are here so they should be ready to shell out some cash regardless. (You can also do this on Saturday and Sunday) Editor’s Note: We’ve received word that tours are being filled up in advance, so keep that in mind before you call.
• Office of the President Open House. You get to take a tour of the bell tower, which is actually pretty cool and has an amazing view of campus and State College. Plus it’s a major Instagram opportunity. I know that just convinced you to go. No shame. (You can also get a bell tower tour on Sunday)
• Penn State Downtown Theatre presents: From Up Here. Directed by Theatre 100’s one and only Rob Schneider, it’s a good thing to go to so you can avoid any small talk table conversation and checking your phone every five minutes, itching to go out and chug lotsa vlad. (You can also do this on Saturday)

You should definitely skip:

• Spikes Stadium Tour. No one actually goes to their games. And if you do, it’s has to be for free food or beer, right? I mean, really.
• HUB Late Night. I don’t really have to explain this to you, do I?

SATURDAY

Worth going to:

• Penn State vs. Illinois TV Game-Watching Tailgate Party. I went to this my freshman year with my mom and her boyfriend and it was actually pretty legit. There is a ton of food and they play the game on huge screens in one of the Nittany Lion Inn ballrooms. Lots of die-hard Penn State fans are there, so it’s awesome for people watching. However, towards the end of the night my moms boyfriend started stealing balloons and pennants and was shouting too loudly. Don’t go if someone like this will be in your party. You do have to register in advance. See the link above for details.
• Why We Dance: The Story of THON. This will be playing in the HUB and it will be a great way to introduce THON to your parents if they aren’t familiar. Plus, it’s free, which is even better.
• Penn State vs. Indiana Men’s Soccer Game. This is free and a great way to, again, avoid dinner if you want. Maybe it can be an excuse for your parents to buy you a hoodie? It’s all about strategy.

Also, keep in mind, most colleges have open houses on Saturday. Check to see if your school is participating and at what time.

You should definitely skip:

• Hall of Senior Class Gifts. BOOOOOOOOOORING.
• Penn State recycling Tours. LOL are they kidding?
• The Great insect Fair presented by the Department of Entomology. Don’t even entertain the idea. You’re disgusting.

SUNDAY

Worth going to:

• Penn State Golf Courses – Special Parents & Families Weekend rates. Um, HELLO. Great idea. Plus, you might be hungover so try to sneak some bloody mary mix and call it a day.
• Penn State vs. Minnesota Women’s Soccer Game. If you don’t go to the boys game on Saturday night, catch the girls on Sunday. It’ll be worth it, I swear.
• Blue & White Society Family barbeque. Food. Duh. Make sure you register in advance though!

You should definitely skip:

• Enjoy Penn State’s Signature “Sunday brunch”. Do NOT eat brunch in the dining hall. Why would you do that when you could convince your parents to take you out to breakfast at the Waffle Shop, Irvings, or Cracker Barrel? Don’t be an idiot.
• The Creamery. The line is going to atrocious all weekend. Have your family come back another weekend to try it out. Or ship some ice cream to them at a later date.
• Grassroots Network Power brunch and Mini-Seminar. This sounds scary/culty/a ploy to task for money. Bail. Hard.

And of course, if you need dinner suggestions, Mario’s, Spats, Zola’s, The Deli and American Ale House are all great choices.

Have fun!! Make sure you score a all expenses paid trip to Wal-Mart out of it!