It was a long, boring weekend in lonely Happy Valley as the majority of Penn Staters went out with their respective orgs and committees for the second canning weekend (I imagine tumbleweed was blowing along Beaver Avenue instead of the usual train of empty Natty Light cans). So I was beyond thrilled to end this dry weekend by pulling on the typical flannel-and-boots combination and hopping aboard a wagon full of hay with some secretly inebriated college folk.

Man, are you gonna love what they had to say.

Blonde girl in a North Face: “I feel like hayrides are for making out and getting hay in your pants.”

Girl in a red flannel: “I feel like inbred people are gonna come out of the woods and take us away to their murder barn.”

Boy running toward the bonfire: “GO! RUN! TO NARNIAAAAAA!”

Guy in a Penn State hoodie: “When I found out that guy had a girlfriend, I was more shocked than I’ve ever been in my life.”

Sorostitute: “Do you think my UGGs are flammable?”

Girl in a peacoat: “That’s a cute flask!”
Girl with a flask cleverly shaped like a pair of binoculars: “Thanks, my mommy got it for me!”

Girl in a blue flannel: “If a guy proposed to me at a hayride I’d say hell no.”
Girl in a red flannel: “I’d fucking love it! What can I say? I’m old fashioned.”

Girl in UGGs: “Do you think that they sell this hayride soundtrack?”

Guy in a Penn State hoodie: “Yeah, some girl asked me to cook her a marshmallow, so I burned it.”

Drunk girl: “Sorry that I’m the awkward outcast.”
Guy with glasses: “No! There are no outcasts! You’re all in-casts!”
Girl in a North Face: “In-casts? What’s an in-cast?”
Guy with glasses: “Like… You’re all included in the cast of friends.”
Girl in a North Face: “In the cast of FRIENDS? Like… Courtney Cox? Can I be Chandler Bing?”

Guy in a Penn State hoodie: “Then he showed up to my place and got hammered, and I decided that I respect him.”

Girl with a beanie: “Does anyone want this marshmallow?”
Girl in a blue flannel: “Is there alcohol in the marshmallow?”

*Greg Schlosser sits on a hot girl’s lap after much prodding*
Hot girl: “Ooooh-eee! We need some exotic music for lap dance time!”
Greg Schlosser: “I’m not giving you a lap dance!”
Hot girl: “Why not!?”
Greg Schlosser:  “I’m not very good at it. Okay? There. Cat’s out of the bag.”

Girl in a sweater: “Why didn’t he come?!”
Girl with a scarf: “He wanted to watch the debate.”
Girl in a red flannel: “Pshh! Hayride, debate… HAYRIDE.”

Girl in a North Face: “Why isn’t there a band!?”
Guy in a black coat: “I mean, at the least I expected a banjo. Come on now.”
Girl in a North Face: “Maybe I should just go up and grab a mic and be like HI SORRY I’M LATE and sing Wagon Wheel.”

Girl in combat boots: “I am the drunk girl whisperer.”

Guy in glasses: “Whoa! Balls is flyin’!”

Girl in a beanie: “I don’t like boots with heels on them.”
All the other girls: “!!!!?!?!???!!”
Girl in a beanie, defensively: “I mean, not all the time! Just like… not for class!”
Girl in combat boots: “I mean obviously! I barely even wear pants to class!”

Guy in a black coat: “What the…? You’re not even drunk!”
Girl in a blue flannel, happily: “Nope! Just stupid.”

Girl in a red flannel: “It started with a lap dance and ended with a marriage! How romantic.”

Girl in combat boots: “Hey, whatcha doin’?”
Guy with his back to the fire: “Warming my heiney.”

Guy with glasses, looking at another group at a different bonfire: “Man, he has good odds over there. Like 20 girls and what, two guys? If I was single I’d be over there.”

Girl in a blue flannel: “What are you wearing for our Halloween social?”
Girl in combat boots: “My onesie. It’s the least sexual thing I own.”

Guy who runs the hayrides: “And then we found her Victoria’s Secret on the wagon after they left! I just wanna know why someone would want to take off their anal floss on a hayride.”

Guy in glasses: “I said it! But it’s dark, so you don’t know it’s me. You can’t even get mad.”
Girl in a blue flannel: “You’re like the troll of this hayride.”

Blonde girl: “My one guy friend was in ROTC with Doug Dooling.”
Guy in glasses: “Did you just say your guy friend hooked up with Doug Dooling?!!!”

Guy in a Penn State hoodie: “Wank is a British slang term for masturbate.”

Guy with a backwards hat: “But honey! We just had sex last week!”

Guy in a black coat: “I mean, I’m not trying to sound like a badass, but I skipped class today… To study.

Guy with a backpack: “Welp, Joe Bro won the hayride.”

Guy in glasses: “Balls! Big ol’ balls!”

Girl in a North Face: “It’s really too bad your head isn’t as big as your butt.”

Girl in a red flannel: “The perfect place to kill someone is a haunted house because everyone would think you’re faking.”

Girl in UGGs: “She is so drunk. I just watched her eat four cheeseburgers, two hot dogs, and a grilled cheese.”

Girl in a North Face: “Some guy tried to take her into the woods and have sex, I don’t know.”

Blonde girl: “You have to be classy about how you have a sex talk. Or sex.”