Though the temperature is decreasing rapidly in our beloved and suddenly-winterized Happy Valley, the amount of clothing that Penn State students wear as they frolic drunkenly about town has not increased as you’d expect– though the amount of booze ingested to serve as an ‘alcohol jacket’ likely has.

We* knew that standing in line for a slice of I-guess-you-can-call-this-shit-pizza from Canyon would seem more unappealing than ever to chilly sorostitutes in short skirts, so we grabbed a table at D.P. Dough, the only drunk eatery that came up positive on both the “warmth” and “greasiness” scales, and awaited their shivering arrival.

Welp, arrive they did. And they did not disappoint.

Guy in an orange shirt: “It’s just because I struck out tonight. I usually… There are three girls I’m going after at Greek Sing. Tonight? 0 for 3.”

Guy in a Dolphins jersey: “Yooooooo!” *pause* “…Lo.”

Tall girl in leggings: “Guys. GUYS! I have an announcement to make!” *waits for everyone’s attention, then breaks down into a giggle fit* “…Hi.”

Guy in a grey v-neck: “Wait, then– mac and cheese and bacon? In a calzone? What the fuck!?”

Guy with freckles: “I mean, if she’s a cheerleader, you know what they say.”
Girl in blue: “What do they say?”
Guy with freckles: “Oh, you know what they say.”

Guy, walking up to two girls: “Hellooooo ladies. What year are you? You’re too beautiful to be freshmen!”
Girl in a puffy coat: “Is that a thing?”

Blonde girl: “COKE PRODUCTS! Praise Jesus!”

Girl in a hoodie: “Oh my godddd did you hear about!” *pauses, then says condescendingly* “Wait, you watch football, right?”
Guy in a fleece: “…Um, yes, I watch football.”

Guy in a quarter-zip: “YOU DON’T JUST SHOW PEOPLE OTHER PEOPLE’S MEATY THIGHS, OKAY?”

*Big Sean’s “Dance (ASS)” comes on the radio*
Guy with a gold chain: “Ass, ass, ass, ass– wowwww! He’s listening to this song somewhere and he’s somewhere thinking of you. Well, just of your ass.”

Guy in a Dolphins jersey: “Miami is Hispanic as fuck!”

Girl with an infinity scarf, pointing: “Did you guys see that!? That was an ENTIRE ass. Whole cheek.”

Creepy frat bro: “So, when are you ever gonna come to our house?”
Girl in grey, deadpan: “Never. That won’t happen at any point.”

Random frat guy, after being told I’m the “Overheard Girl”: “Oh, do you write for the Collegian?”

Guy in a North Face: “I live in this really cool place, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it– it’s called the Meridian? It’s really exclusive.”

Girl wearing moccasins: “I swear, if he calls me ‘kid’ one more time I’m going to punch him in the balls.”

Guy with freckles: “Pretending is half the battle! That’s the first thing they teach you in business school.”

Me, jokingly: “You’re an asshole.”
Jokingly-an-asshole guy’s friend, who is an actual asshole : “Yesssss! She didn’t call me an asshole first!”
Me: “Actually, I did. Like ten minutes ago.”
Actual asshole guy: “…Damn it.”

Girl in Risky Business attire: “When did I make out with that kid? And who took a picture of it!?”

Guy in a sweater: “Yeah, when he’s drunk he gets really gay.”

Girl with glasses: “I’ll translate, I speak Drunk Girl fluently.”

Girl in a red dress: “You’re seven deep, right?”
Girl in a black skirt: “No, I thinnnnnk I’m at eight.”
Girl in a red dress: “When did you take another one?”
Girl in a black skirt: “Well he spilled my last shot, so I slurped it off the table.”

Girl with long blonde hair: “I’m… SOBER.” *five second pause, followed by air quotes*

Short girl: “Okay, what do you want to eat?”
Tall girl, slurring and staring at her reflection in the window: “Ch-cheeeese shticcckkkshch.”

Girl in black pants: “Well, we’re playing strip Scrabble I think. So there’s that.”
Girl in a puffy jacket: “…How do you even DO that?”

Girl in a leather jacket: “Oh man. Look at all these cold, cold sluts.”

Tall blonde girl: “Do you have any more weed lollipops? Weed brownies? Weed anything? …Weed?”

Guy with glasses: “Did you go to 3LAU?”
Ridiculously drunk girl: “Yes. He reminded me of the last guy I hooked up with.”
Guy with glasses: “Was he good?”
Ridiculously drunk girl: “3LAU or the last guy I hooked up with?”
Guy with glasses: “3LAU!”
Ridiculously drunk girl: “Yeah, he was. But so was the guy.”

Girl with a New York accent, excitedly: “Guess what! I’m losing my calzone virginity!”

Guy in a football jersey: “I don’t have time for this gourmet cupcake shit.”
Guy in a quarter-zip: “I know. And it’s not like two bros can just go to *ndulge.”
Guy in a football jersey: “Yeah, you need a girl on both arms to go into *ndulge.”
Guy in a quarter-zip: “Same with Kiwi.”
Guy in a football jersey: “Yessss!” *the two share a look of affection* “You get me, man.”

Girl in a winter coat: “Well then, four for you Glenn Coco!”

Guy in a fleece: “Is that a Mean Girls thing?”

Guy in a sweater: “I’m just the whipping boy here. ‘Oh, look at that kid, I’m more normal than him!'”

Short girl: “Not again! At that potluck I got drunk and fucked up a cake.”

Guy trying to be motivational: “Just think about it. There’s a cheerleader out there somewhere. A drunk cheerleader. What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Just sit here at D.P. Dough!?”

Girl in a t-shirt: “Does this kid have a punchable face?”
Drunk guy, looking the kid up and down: “Well, I’m drunk and I haven’t punched him yet, so I guess not.”

Girl staring across the table at a guy: “Where did you get your eyes?”

Guy in a black jacket: “Tequila fucks a man up. I’ve seen it.”

Girl in fishnet tights, screaming: “WHAT IS MY LIFE?” *three of her friends walk in; they make eye contact* “Oh my godddd! FOURSOME!”

Tall blonde girl: “He’s cute, and I’m drunk, and he’s cute.”

Extremely drunk girl: “I guess once you go black you never go back!”
Completely sober girl, sassily: “I already said that. It’s true.”

Squealing girls, embracing: “I love you so much! We are the SAME PERSON.”
Smartass guy: “…Yeah, no. They’re actually two different people.”

Drunk girl, stumbling: “Awkward? Fuck awkwardness when there’s pokey stix!”

Freshman guy, wheezing: “I couldn’t. I would never walk up Shortlidge sober.”
Girl in a grey shirt: “Then how do you get up Shortlidge?”
Freshman guy: “Drunk!”

Guy in a black coat (/the voice of our generation): “I’m not creepy. I’m cool.”

Tall blonde girl: “Moral of the story: just because I live in east doesn’t mean I need to drink like a freshman.”

Guy in a quarter-zip: “Orange. Orange… Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”

*Thankyouthankyouthankyou to Katie Blitz, Greg Schlosser, Zach Berger, and Ali Fogarty for their contributions to this post.