Freshmen 101: 10 Ways You Shouldn’t Try to Pick Up Chicks
You know that part in a romantic comedy where some Matthew-McConaughey-looking guy saunters up to the female protagonist and lays some cheesy pick-up line on her… and it totally works? Just one of many reasons romantic comedies are secretly terrible for you — they make guys think they can just say whatever they want to a lady, and as long as they say it with a charmingly crooked smile, everything will work out. Hate to burst your bubble, dudes, but that’s not true. Especially not at Penn State where (TRUST ME) the girls you’re trying to charm out of her pants has probably heard your come-on from your fellow Penn State brethren before.
A few ways you shouldn’t try to pick up chicks:
1) At UHS. Hello, you’re both there because you’re sick. She just wants to get her meds and get on with her day. And that STD joke you’re thinking about making isn’t funny.
2) When you’re smushed together on the CATAbus. Yes, you both have to get behind that godforesaken yellow line or face the wrath of the bus driver. No, that doesn’t give you free reign to “accidentally” touch her good parts. And just because she’s trapped until the next stop doesn’t mean she’s at your mercy; don’t force her into conversation.
3) In line for coffee any time before 11:00 a.m. Clearly she’s not awake yet! At least wait until she has gotten her order and has started drinking it to approach her.
4) Pretending you met her at a party. Even if she didn’t know it was a lie right off the bat, she’d have to assume you were forgettable, which probably isn’t the greatest place to start.
5) Introducing yourself by your fraternity before you say your name. Seriously, nothing against fraternities! Just say your own name first. Your frat shouldn’t be your WHOLE identity. Even if she’s wearing the t-shirt of your frat’s sister sorority (is that what that’s called? God, I’m a geed), let it come up naturally in conversation.
6) Walking around downtown with a boombox. Tsk tsk, Brian.
7) Playing “Wonderwall” on repeat outside the HUB. Or at an apartment party. Or in your dorm’s common room. Or anywhere. You’re not serenading her when you do this, you’re just proving that you don’t know any other songs.
8) At the gym. Seriously. Sure, she’d probably be stoked to know how great her ass looks in her yoga pants. Most girls hope that’s true. But she’s there to work out, not to find a mate, so let her sweat and wheeze on the StairClimber in peace. If you come over to tell her how much you can lift and how impressive your athletic skills are, she should get free reign to throw a dumbbell at your face.
9) Shouting/whistling at them while they’re walking. Whether it’s shouting “Damn, girl!” from Cafe as they’re walking down College Ave or yelling “Nice ass!” from a balcony while they’re walking down Beaver Ave, THIS WON’T EVER WORK FOR YOU. Seriously, why do men do this? At what point in history has this ever worked? When has a woman ever stopped and been like, “Oh, yes. You. The guy who just wolf-whistled at me from a moving vehicle. I must have you,” and ended up in bed with him? Just stop it. It’s demeaning and pointless.
10) By touching her. This is pretty much the quickest way to be blacklisted as A Creep She’ll Never Want to Sleep With. If you don’t know her, your hands shouldn’t be on her. Instead of coming up behind her at Indigo and grinding like your dick depends on it, maybe ask her if she wants to dance? Maybe walk up to her and introduce yourself, say that you saw her from across the room and she’s pretty, and ask her if she wants to dance. Or if you can buy her a drink. Or whatever else you want to do to get to know her (notice I didn’t say “whatever else you want to do to get her into your bed”), but regardless, ask before doing. Give her the choice to say no, and if she does, just walk away and find another one. There are plenty of other girls to hit on, and one of them might just say yes.