It’s been almost a year since Onward State ventured out to drunken hot spots like McDonald’s, Grillers (RIP), and everyone’s favorite, the White Loop to quote the amusing and preposterous things that inebriated Penn State students say on their nights out. We went on a hiatus, because we heard absence makes the heart grow fonder — but enough of that crap.

Overheard is back, my friends.

We decided to kick off this year’s installment of the series with something new and unheard of: listening to sober people. You’re skeptical, I know, but I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Here are the best things that we overheard at Redifer Commons on the morning after, as hungover pajama-clad (primarily sorority) girls from South crawled out of their dwellings and toward the dining hall in search of sustenance and large iced coffees with artificial sweetener.

Girl in a black and orange sorority tank: “We are NEVER going out again.” *thinks about it* “…for two weeks.”

Girl with a ponytail: “Like, you’re gonna call ME a slut when YOU passed out at KDR?”

Girl wearing spandex: “She said ‘WOW,’ – in all caps – ‘COOL PIC’  – exclamation point. She sounds like she’s my old aunt who just joined Facebook.”

Girl in athletic clothes: “I shower, study, gym, shower, study. Except on weekends.”

Girl in a teal t-shirt: “Wait, guys, this is what I was laughing at so hard… I ate 2400 calories yesterday.”

Girl in yoga pants: “I’m not gonna start a rumor about myself.”

Girl in a black hoodie, backing directly into the kid behind her in line and turning around in surprise: “Oh! …Sorry.”

Blonde girl: “I feel like she’s that girl who could throw up on a guy and he wouldn’t even care.”

Girl in a Penn State tank: “Didn’t you have sex with Cody?”
Girl in velour pants: “I thought so, too, but apparently not.”

Girl in a navy shirt: “Vodka is illegal in 48 states.”

Girl with glasses: “I love her but she dances so scary. I was honestly actually really scared when she danced with me last night.”

Girl with a pony tail: “I’ve been hoping for lesbians.”

Girl in yoga pants: “It smells like dog food in here.”

Girl in a red hoodie, slowly stumbling up to her friend, in a zombie voice: “Hey. Hey. Hey.” *poking her to get her attention* “Hey.”

Girl in a short black skirt and a hoodie, with her heels hanging from her lanyard and a banana in her hand: “What? JUDGE ME.”
Her friend, as they walk through Redifer: “Please put your shoes back on.”

*It should be noted that a girl in a turquoise sorority tank top chose not to wear a bra to today’s Hungover Sunday Brunch and her entire breast has been visible to all Redifer-goers for around forty-five minutes. Not some innocent side-boob deal, either – the whole thing, nip and all. So as a public service announcement: ladies, let your pals know when they’re popping out, because friends don’t let friends flash people.*

Girl in a white hoodie, her jaw hanging open: “Holy shit, do you see that?” *points to the girl mentioned above* “I have officially seen more of her body today than I’ve seen of my own.”

Girl in spongebob pajamas: “You don’t remember Louie’s last night? You went BEHIND the cashier.”

Girl in a baseball cap: “I just wonder how far they got.”
Girl in yoga pants: “I just wonder how she was!”

Girl in maroon sorority tank, en route to the bagel stand but stops in her tracks to stare at our food: “Oh my god nope, that looks too good, I need tots.”

Girl in a white zip-up: “Did you know that ‘box’ is slang for vagina?”
Girl in a hoodie: “…Are you still drunk?”

Girl in tie-dye, struggling to string a sentence together: “Her… Her… Her… She. She is not doing well this morning.”

Girl with a nose ring: “So I told him, it’s not like I don’t have friends I could be going out with, I’d just rather stay in and have sex.”

Guy in a baseball tee: “I have to down this iced coffee and go cry in the shower for a few hours so I’ll see you later.”

Guy in a black shirt: “A plain bagel toasted with cream cheese.”
Redifer worker: “Regular or light?”
Guy in a black shirt: “No, cream cheese.”
Redifer worker: “Regular or light?”
Guy in a black shirt, frustrated: “No, cream cheese!”

Girl in a pink oversized shirt: “So I guess I have to take her to the clinic today. Will you come with me?”

Girl in sorority t-shirt: “They needed two people to spray paint and two people to do glitter and it was just a shit show.”

Girl with a messy bun: “Well based on the Snapchat she just sent me, she’s dead.”

Girl in sunglasses, covering her face: “I’m going to throw up.”

Girl in sweatpants, hand over her mouth: “Oh god, I’m going to vom.”

Girl in a tank top, to a friend: “I’m never drinking again.”

Girl in a sweatshirt, to a friend: “I’m never drinking again.”

Girl in pajama shorts, to a friend: “I’m NEVER drinking again.”

Girl in yoga pants, to a friend: “So, do you want to pregame at my place tonight?”