Overheard at Canyon Pizza

As Penn State’s mecca of inebriated gluttony, Canyon Pizza has become a legend in a league all its own. Sure, College Pizza and McDonald’s are decent alternatives when you’re craving something greasy after the bars close, but any real Penn State student knows that Canyon is the quintessential drunk food place in State College. This is precisely what made Canyon the prime spot for us to set up camp for this week’s Overheard. Check out the quotes we* caught as we sat at one of those frighteningly sticky picnic tables on Beaver Avenue, watching scantily clad girls throw caution (and their diets) to the wind as their male counterparts ordered them dollar slices this weekend.

Guy in an orange shirt: “I feel like ‘How I Met Your Mother’ was so much better back when it was called ‘Friends.'”

Drunk guys on a Penn Tower balcony, to a girl sitting alone at a table: “Canyon Girl! CANYON GIRL! Canyon girl, we worship thee!”
Some drunk girl at another table, slurring: “Oh, hiiiii!”
Drunk guys on the balcony, angrily: “NO! NOT YOU! CANYON GIRL!”
Drunk girl: “The first to get to our table gets annnnnything he wants!”
Random guy walking past, stops walking and turns: “Anything?”
Drunk girl: “No, not you!”
Random guy, to Canyon Girl: “It was worth a shot right?”

Guy inside the notoriously open store front: “Holy fuck, did you guys know there’s a window here?!”

Guy in a blue shirt: “Why the hell is that guy wearing a sport coat at Canyon?”
His friend: “I know, like take that shit to College Pizza or some shit, right?”

Guy in a black shirt: “You can’t be included. We had a penis pact.”
Girl in a grey shirt: “What the hell is a penis pact?”
Guy in a black shirt: “It’s kind of like a pinky promise. But you don’t make eye contact.”

Guy with a black hat: “Friends go out to lunch. Fuck buddies go out to dinner.”
Guy in a white polo: “I went out to dinner with my mom yesterday…”

Guy singing along to Taylor Swift: “And IIIII used to say, never say yellooooow!”

Blonde girl: “Wow, you’re here! I didn’t know you partied!”
Awkward guy in a polo: “Oh, no. I just like pizza.”

Drunk girl in a green Phyrst hat: “It’s my birthday! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Hey, it’s my birthday!”
Her friend: “EVERYONE SING!” *all of Canyon sings Happy Birthday*
Random person: “How old are you?”
Drunk birthday girl: “Twenty-one!”
Random guy: “That’s the best birthday…the rest of your years will suck.”
Drunk birthday girl: “Okay byyyyyye!”
Random girl: “Don’t throw up in your green hat!”

Girl in a tank top: “Does anyone have a napkin? Please, anyone? Does anyone have a napkin, please!”
Awkward guy, pulls a wet-nap out of his backpack: “Here’s a wet-nap.”
Girl in a tank top, hugging him and shoving her boobs near his face: “Oh my god, thank you so much! I’ve never loved anyone more! You’re amazing! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Awkward guy, waiting until she’s gone: “Okay, could someone get me new pants?”

Guy with long hair: “I’ll be Miley Cyrus if I have to be.”
Guy with short hair: “Okay, well then you can be the Miley to my Robin Thicke.”

Girl in pink flats, slurring: “But I know I have money!”
Her friend: “Honey, you don’t even have a purse with you.”
Girl in pink flats: “I know, but…” *thinks for a moment, then pulls a dollar out of her cleavage* “SEE!”

Drunk guy in pastel shorts: “Hey everyone! EVERYONE! This guy has a TINY WEINER!”
Everyone: “Awwwwww.”

Girl in a teal jacket, to everyone she passes: “I just got engaged. Hi, I’m engaged. I just got engaged.”
Girl in black pants: “Uh, I didn’t see no ring on that finger, girl.”

Girl in a white tank top: “Wait, how weird is it that they have a church advertisement right by the Canyon line?”

Girl in a purple shirt: “You have a Patagonia backpack? That must mean you’re an intense person who goes on a lot of adventures, right?”
Girl in a mint shirt: “No, it just means he’s rich.”

Girl in a blue shirt: “I want Canyon to DJ my next party.”

Skinny white guy to friends: “Whoa, hold up. Can’t a fly white guy just dance by himself?”

Girl being dragged by her friend, whimpering: “No no no no no no KATIE! PLEASE! Just one slice!”
Her friend: “It’s going to make you vom, and I’m taking you to Adam’s.”
Girl being dragged: “I don’t care! He won’t care either!”
Her friend: “Yes, he will.”

Girl in a black sweatshirt: “I’m sleeping at Canyon because I LOVE IT SO MUCH.”

Big dude in a white shirt: “Whoa. Her breasts are remarkably small and disproportionate to her body.”
His friend: “I know, right? Like… YOURS are bigger.”

Guy in a button-down: “Is that a ginger with a mullet?”
Girl with short brown hair: “My god, like the deck wasn’t stacked against him enough already.”

Girl in a blue shirt: “I fucking hate that gong. If I could abolish one thing in State College, it would be that gong.”

Drunk guy, stumbling: “Weeeeeeee… Oh. We ARE!”

Girl in a long sheer shirt: “This shirt doesn’t look as slutty as I meant for it to.”

Small girl in a green shirt: “Did you come back to bring me my alcohol back?”
Her friend: “Oh, yeah.” *pulls a bottle of vodka from his jeans pocket*

Guy in a black shirt: “I just look really horny.”

Girl in heels, introducing herself as she stumbles past: “Hi. My name is Kayla. We had a rough night. We went to the Skeller. Have a good night.”

Girl in tall wedges: “Where did you go!?”
Guy in cargo shorts: “I went to College Pizza to pee and then I came back.”
Girl in tall wedges: “Oh.”
Guy in cargo shorts: “Is that an acceptable answer?”
Girl in tall wedges: “I’ll allow it.”

Girl in a short skirt: “Did you push her in a bush, god damn it?”
Girl in a red dress: “Wait, you saw that?”
Girl who was pushed into a bush: “Yeah, she fucking saw that, and it was in my goddamn white pants, too.”

A lot of white kids: *poor attempts at rapping*

Girl in a white tube top, slurring: “She made me come here, then she made me eat a piece of pizza.”

Guy in a flannel: “That is NOT weed in my pocket.”

Girl in blue: “I can’t grind against you at Canyon? What is this, freshman year?!”

Girl trying to hug anyone in line: “No, I swear I’m not hammered.”

Guy on his phone: “Yeah man, I’m feeling really good about this Levels thing.”

Girl in purple: “The Grillers sign is such a fucking tease. It’s all lit up but no one’s home and I just want a grilled cheese sandwich.”

Girl in white, screaming: “This guy just tapped my ass! I want to tap him in the FUCKING face!”

Guy in white, appreciatively: “Damn, that chick has forearms.”
Girl in green: “Wait, four arms?!”

Girl in yellow: “Like I like him, but could he not be naked in my boyfriend’s apartment?”

Guy in a button-down: “Okay, I’m heading out.”
His friend: “No, why!”
Guy in a button-down: “I really have to piss.”
His friend: “God, just be a normal person and go behind the building.”

Girl in grey: “I swear I just saw that girl’s nipple!”
Guy in white, checking: “There’s no nipple.”
Girl in grey: “There is! I saw it!”
Guy in white: “Well don’t worry, I’m sure there’s one there.”

Girl in jeans: “So I show up there with Molly, and-”
Guy in pink: “Wait, you brought molly?!”
Girl in jeans: “No, Molly like the person not like drugs you fucking idiot.”

Girl in a short dress: “I came in like a wreeeeeecking ballllll! I ne-”

Girl in a romper: “Wait, this is Canyon? I thought Canyon was a bar!”

*Thank you to Onward State writers Grant Brown, Greg Schlosser, Alex Robinson, Mara Kern, and Catie Simpson for their assistance in overhearing this hilarity. 

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About the Author

Alicia Thomas

Alicia is a senior with majors in Print Journalism and Spanish and a minor in International Studies. Chances are that she's somewhere talking about her semester abroad or ranting about sexual assault prevention right now. She can be reached via Twitter (@aliciarthomas) or email ([email protected]).

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