As of a week ago, I was under the naive impression that The End Zone was a sports bar. It sounds like one, doesn’t it? A sports bar, maybe with a few chicks dancing on the table once in a while, “Coyote Ugly” style. I hadn’t the faintest idea what awaited me when I climbed aboard the establishment’s complimentary shuttle (commonly referred to as “the Titty Taxi”). A friendly bearded man named Bubba drove some clueless Onward Staters* and a fraternity twenty minutes off campus, and this is what we overheard.

Guy in a blue shirt, to Bubba: “What’s the worst thing you’ve seen happen at the club?”
Bubba: “Ya get guys in there, touchin’ the girls, you know, and you hafta ask ’em ta leave.”
Guy in a blue shirt: “What do you do if they touch the girls?”
Bubba: “Grab him by the head and drag his ass across the floor by his hair.”

Guy in a blue shirt, to Bubba: “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen happen there?”
Bubba: “An old guy pissed himself while he was gettin’ a lap dance. Real old, too – ’bout 70 or 80.”
Guy in a blue shirt: “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard someone say in [the van]?”
Bubba: “I had a buncha guys last night who wanted to get shrimps tattooed on their asses.”
Guy in a blue shirt: “WHY?”
Bubba: “I dunno, they said they all had shrimp dicks.”

Guy in a white shirt, climbing into the van: “Aw man, there’s all kinds of love stains back here.”

Girl in a black scarf: “WHY AREN’T WE AT BOOBS YET?”

Guy in a grey shirt: “Would you just jerk off already?”
Bubba: “NO JERKIN’ OFF! I have someone’s ID from your group and they gon have to clean it up if you do!”
Guy in a grey shirt: “We didn’t bring any pledges with us! Damn it!”

Girl in black boots: “Can I be in your frat?”
Guy in a hat: “You can be like the little sister.”
Girl in black boots: “What does that mean, exactly…?”
Blonde guy, alarmed: “I’m pretty sure it means they fuck you.”

Guy in a green shirt: “Have you ever squeezed a grape between your buttcheeks?”

Guy in khakis: “We pee on pledges – correction, I pee on pledges. I drink a lot of water and beer first.”

Guy in a blue shirt: *makes a Kanye reference*
Guy in a hat: “You’re in the wrong van, son, we listen to country music.”

Guy in khakis: “You girls gonna buy yourselves a dance?”
Blonde guy: “Aw yeah, they thirsty!”
Girls in question: “Dude, what the fuck?”
Blonde guy: “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to fit in.”

Guy in a green shirt: “We’re gonna get our faces covered in baby powder and glitter and shit.”

Cleavage girl: “Gross, that money is so dirty! And she put it in her mouth!”
Blonde guy: “I don’t feel like she’s that concerned.”

Girl in black boots, eyes wide: “Oh my god. Oh my god, guys, she motorboated me.”
Girl in black skirt: “I told you to expect that.”

*There is a brief intermission from the scheduled programming because there is a birthday in the crowd. A frat boy climbs on stage and all of the strippers file in behind him. They bend him over and beat him 21 times with a belt, then take turns gyrating against him, on his lap, and against one another. Happy birthday, bro!* 

Girl in purple, in regards to birthday boy’s exciting predicament: “You know he’s up there thinking ‘Grandma, Grandma, dead puppies, Grandma.'”

Girl in stripes, trying to deflect a stripper as she approaches with her naked breasts in her hands: “I-I-I’m sorry, I don’t have any money.”
Stripper: “That’s okay, hun, I like my job.” *presses the girl’s face into her cleavage*

Girl in black boots: “Her nipples are really weird.”
Guy in a blue shirt: “EVERYONE’S nipples are weird!”

Blonde guy: “I mean, she’s still wearing all of her clothes, why would I give her any money.”

Girl in stripes: “Stop it. Holy shit. Is her pubic hair shaped like a heart?”
Guy in a blue shirt: “If it is, that’s just impressive.”

Girl in a white shirt: “I really like her underwear.”
Girl in a purple shirt: “Me too!”

Blonde guy: “See, the thing is–” *stripper approaches expectantly* “Oh, right now? Okay, I’ll be polite.”

Blonde guy, to a stripper: “What’s the best part of your job?”
Stripper: “When we get to hit people. We have belts and whips and all that.”
Blonde guy: “What’s the worst part of your job?”
Stripper: “College guy douchebags.”

Guy in a blue shirt: “It doesn’t even matter what happens to her now. Like she could become the CEO of a big company, but I’ve seen her tits.”

*Thank you to all of the brave Onward Staters who assisted me in making this article hilariously horrifying.