409 Things I’ll Teach My Future Penn State Son
Editors note: We hope you had a chance to read our “409 Things I Will Teach My Future Probably Penn State Daughter” post published earlier this week. We know at least one person did. Brian “Boombox Guy” Cronauer, longtime friend of the site and ubiquitous Penn State character, took issue with #113 — “Don’t carry a boombox around campus and downtown.”
“That’s total bullshit,” Boombox Guy exclaimed on Twitter, and he went to work on creating his very own 409 things list. Well, here it is:
1) Don’t get distracted on move-in day. I’m not breaking my back because you’re too busy looking at eye candy.
2) There’s all year for that.
3) Wear sandals in the shower.
4) Some freshmen guys are nasty.
5) Bring an N64.
6) You’ll be the coolest guy on your floor. Although no one your age will know what an N64 is by then.
7) You may like your roommate.
8) You may hate your roommate.
9) Don’t room with a friend from high school.
10) Don’t do anything stupid.
11) Or if you do, don’t get caught.
12) If you do, I’ll understand.
13) Your grandfather understood.
14) East Halls may seem terrible but you’ll look back on it fondly.
15) Don’t wear your lanyard around your neck.
16) You’ll walk into the wrong class a few times, even after you’re a freshman.
17) Just don’t sit through the entire class because you don’t want to look stupid.
18) The freshman fifteen is a myth. Liquor prevents it.
19) Syllabus week is for going out every night.
20) Become best friends with the counter people at late night food places.
21) Become friends with as many people as possible.
22) Call your mother occasionally.
23) Then she won’t send you texts asking “You alive?”
24) Call me too.
25) Go and get a cookie at West Commons.
26) Scratch that. Get cookies at West Commons.
27) Don’t judge anyone.
28) Greeks are people too.
29) So are the Humans vs Zombies people.
30) You don’t have to declare your major when you get there.
31) Don’t chase whiskey.
32) Don’t chase girls.
33) Don’t even chase CATA busses.
34) If you are interested in a girl in class, get to know her and ask her out to dinner. Not “Wanna hangout?”
35) Take her to the Corner Room.
36) And dress up for it.
37) If you get to know her well enough and long enough, and you want to date her….Say something!
38) You’ll realize that girls here don’t want to date.
39) Then you’ll hear how they all want to date.
40) They’re confusing.
41) A girl may come to your place at 3 AM and say “I kinda have a boy friend” and then proceed to leave.
42) And you spent the entire night partying with her.
46) See #40
47) You won’t find the one on Tinder.
48) Most likely you’ll see one of the girls you swiped right stumbling in heels down Beaver at 2 AM.
49) Don’t go yelling “Nice ass” to her.
50) Even if her dress is messed up and it is showing.
51) Do Paternoville…Oh I’m sorry. My time spent at PSU is showing.
52) You’ll never know the other parts to “Sweet Caroline” and “Hey Baby”
53) Start the wave at Beaver Stadium. Leading 110,000 people just feels awesome.
54) The Slow Wave is the 8th Wonder of the World. It’s a thing of beauty.
55) Whiteouts will have a totally different meaning to you after your first semester.
56) See the band arrive once.
57) See the team arrive once.
59) Tailgating food is some of the best you’ll have.
60) Plus it’s free so save me money and eat all you can.
61) Avoid the Creamery on football weekends.
62) Football season is the best time of the year.
63) Don’t freak out when Ticket Master is incredibly slow the day student tickets go on sale.
64) Don’t freak out when you wake up 10 minutes late the day student tickets go on sale.
65) You’ll get them.
66) Get a Whiteout shirt.
67) Drink till you’re in a good place. Not till you’re throwing up or being a jackass.
68) Don’t drink piss poor Natty Light.
69) Don’t drink piss poor Vladdy either. You’re better than that.
70) You don’t have to drink every day.
71) Then again you don’t have to not drink every day.
72) Well it’s alright to take Sunday off.
73) Most of the people here are drunk.
74) Including busses.
75) Hopefully they fixed the CATA App by now.
76) Do a bar tour
77) Pick a favorite bar.
78) Do your shopping at Walmart.
79) McLanahan’s will empty your wallet faster than the bar.
80) Go to the End Zone
81) Don’t lend your sweater to a girl.
82) Don’t lend your sunglasses to a girl.
83) What I mean is, don’t lend anything to a girl.
84) Except your phone so she can put her number in it.
85) Do your research on which apartment realtor you’re dealing with.
86) Do your research on location.
87) You’ll want to be right downtown.
88) The SW & Sons security guys there can actually be kinda cool.
89) Or they can be really annoying. Just don’t piss them off.
90) Don’t room with anyone from Craigslist. They’ll be sketchy and dirty as hell.
91) If I’m paying for your college, you better buy me drinks when I visit.
92) Study abroad…..In the Spring.
93) Spring semester is anything but Spring for a majority of the semester.
94) Don’t put all your winter clothes away after one warm day.
95) The next day it’ll be snowing.
96) Some of the best winter nights are spent watching drunk people eat shit on a patch of ice.
97) Go to an East Halls snowball fight.
98) Go to a snowball fight at Old Main.
99) Take in a sermon from the Willard Preacher.
100) Don’t say anything. Just watch others fail try to prove a point.
101) Go to the Phyrst for your 21st
102) Do the Mifflin Streak.
103)You’ll carry my boombox at least once.
104) And you’ll realize why I did it after one night.
105)Bring the boombox on the Whoop. The drivers will love you and turn it into a party bus.
106) If people hate on you when you have the boombox, point out you’re surrounded by a group of 10 smoke shows and they’re with 5 other dudes.
107) If you want free cover and drinks at the bar you’ll carry the box.
108) If you want to cut the lines at bars you’ll carry the box.
109) If you want to be able to walk into any party, you’ll carry the box.
110) If you want to meet tons of new people and make tons of new friends, you’ll carry the box.
111) Girls will think you sleep with every other girl.
112) …because girls will lie and say they’ve hooked up with you. That’s the downside…
113) It’s a big school but somehow you’ll manage to see the same people….Over and over again.
114) Don’t complain about having class with 6 inches of snow on the ground. Everyone else will already be doing it.
115) Celebrate in Beaver Canyon after a big win.
116) Go to THON.
117) Dance at THON
118) Stand for 46 Hours
119) Stay for the last 4 hours.
120) Don’t go posting “My school raised X. What’s your school done?”
121) That’s not the point of THON.
122) It’s FTK.
123) RateMyProfessor is your best friend
124) #123 will eliminate about 10 things I could tell you on here.
125) Work Smart. Not Hard.
126) Never miss a night of partying to schedule classes. You’ll change them.
127) Unless ballroom dancing is open. Fight for it.
128) The best time to schedule is a few weeks before the semester starts.
129) Never do an all nighter. It’ll only make you do worse.
130) Instead go out to a bar the night before your test.
131) 4.0’s are overrated.
132) If you got an issue with your roommates, say something and get it out of the way ASAP.
133) Cleaning the apartment and the trash is a shared duty.
134) Do not say YOLO….or SWAG….Or whatever stupid phrase is around then.
135) Gaffaoke is the best. Go every Wednesday.
136) Don’t request 6 songs in a row with the people you’re there with.
137) People don’t go to Gaffaoke to hear a concert.
138) Also don’t let a girl steal your mic. Ever. It’s your song. Not hers. She’ll only butcher it.
139) Café on a sunny day is great.
140) I won’t blame you if you skip class for it.
141) You’ll have your lazy dressed to class days.
142) And you’ll have your ‘suit and tie’ to class days.
143) Girls will notice the latter.
144) eLion sucks
145) Webmail sucks
146) Speaking of Webmail, the president of the university may blow up your e-mail on the daily.
147) Angel, ironically, is the Devil.
148) Mark Emmert is the Super Devil.
149) The best place to sit in class is in the middle of the pack.
150) It’s alright to play video games.
151) But don’t play them all the time. There are girls outside your window tanning on the Quad.
152) Go and play volleyball, basketball, or football.
153) Do an IM Sport
154) Go to at least one game of every sporting event.
155) Sheetz vs Wawa is a battle best left to those from PIT/ Philly.
156) But Pens/ Flyers is something you want to be a part of.
157 )You’ll look a lot cooler walking around campus wearing Black and Gold.
158) Go to Rotelli and watch a Pens game.
159) And definitely go to a bar for whenever they faceoff in the playoffs.
160) The HUB is your playground.
161) The whole campus is a giant playground.
162) Pick a favorite restaurant.
163) Go to McDonald’s after a night of drinking at 2AM.
164) You’ll get there and say “screw this line. I’m getting Wings Over”
165) Canyon Wings is great too.
166) Bradley’s Cheese steaks though….You’ll learn.
167) It’s expensive though so save it for Football Sundays.
168) Go to Indigo.
169) But not every night.
170) Get a Rick’s Special there.
171)Call me when you wake up with the resulting hangover.
172) Go to Movin On
173) Get season tickets for football.
174) Go to a home football game with me
175) Invite your friends to our tailgate.
176) Shoot whiskey with me.
177) And do a shot with your mother too.
178) Go to an away football game with me.
179) Go to an away football game with your friends.
180) Call me to talk about how your classes are going.
181) Call me to talk about what’s happening with the football team.
182) Feel free to call me about what players you met at the bar or a party last night
183) Feed some squirrels.
184) Feed some ducks while you’re at it.
185) Don’t leave Levels with a grenade.
186) Don’t leave Indigo with a grenade.
187) Don’t leave the Phyrst with a grenade.
188) Don’t leave the Den with a grenade.
189) Don’t leave the Gaff with a grenade.
190) Don’t leave Bar Bleu with a grenade.
191) Don’t leave Mad Mex with a grenade.
192) Don’t leave the Dark Horse with a grenade.
193) Don’t leave the Brewery with a grenade.
194) Don’t leave GMan with a grenade.
195) Don’t leave the Saloon with a grenade.
196) Don’t leave the Skellar with a grenade.
197) Don’t leave Pickles with a grenade.
198) Don’t leave Sharkie’s with a grenade.
199) Don’t leave Kildare’s with a grenade.
200) Don’t leave Inferno with a grenade.
201) Don’t leave the Second/ Local Whiskey with a grenade.
202) Don’t leave Zeno’s with a grenade.
203) Don’t leave Café with a grenade.
204) You’re not Bruno Mars….you don’t take a grenade for ANYONE.
205) Don’t let a girl’s friend who’s having a bad night and preventing you from getting some ruin your night. It happens.
206) Go visit friends at other schools.
207) They may not party as hard but it’s nice to get away every once in awhile.
208) God made the sky blue and white for a reason.
209) They call it Happy Valley for a reason.
210) Go to the Homecoming Parade.
211) Be in the Homecoming Parade.
212) Go to Football Eve.
213) Go to Rally in the Valley.
214) Go to a hockey game.
215) It’s the best 4,
216) ….or 5,
217) Hopefully not 6, years of your life.
218) And it’ll be the fastest years of your life.
219) Take breaks and slow down to realize you’re at Penn State.
220) It’s one of the greatest schools in the country.
221) ….And the world.
222) Take SOC 119
223) Take whatever classes you’d like and learn something in.
224) Go on Spring Break.
225) Don’t get arrested.
226) Come home for a weekend besides a holiday.
227) Don’t tell me and surprise me when you do.
228) Bring me Stickies when come home.
229) Go to the Diner and try them. You’ll learn why I want them.
230) Don’t do any drugs.
231) Weed isn’t a drug.
232) If you’re drunk, avoid windows.
233) And avoid balconies.
234) You’ll have some cool professors.
235) You’ll have some terrible professors.
236) You’ll have some great classes.
237) You’ll have some classes that are awful.
238) Late Drop. Use it on a really rare occasion.
239) Sometimes you’ll find out you’re acing a class you thought you were borderline failing.
240) It’s weird when that happens.
241) It’s also great when that happens.
242)Reward yourself with Café the next day you have that class.
243) C’s get degrees
244) But I’d appreciate B’s
245) A’s are appreciated too.
246) Ken the Hot Dog Guy is awesome and one of the nicest guys in town.
247) And his hot dogs are great drunk food.
248) Go to a concert at the BJC.
249) Just not a concert that you need to do Molly to enjoy.
250) Halloween here is one of the best weekends all year.
251) Be something creative.
252) You could win a trip to Vegas.
253) Wear a costume to a Halloween game.
254) And yes…It’s alright to stare at what you see that weekend.
255) You don’t need a car. I won’t mind visiting that wonderful place to come pick you up.
256) I’ll help pay for your meals.
257) I won’t pay for your drinking.
258) Biolife. Use it.
259) Michigan Sucks.
260 )They’ve always sucked.
261) They’ll always suck.
262) Ohio State is just evil.
263) Never let anyone from Temple tell you that we suck. Or they’re better.
264) Those losers haven’t beaten us since before WW2.
265) They’ll lie to you and rip your heart out when you thought they were the one.
266) I’m talking about the head coach when he goes to the NFL.
267) Go to Arts Fest.
268) Go as many times as you can.
269) Yes. Almost every single girl here wears Uggs, yoga pants, and a North Face in the winter.
270) The one who doesn’t is a keeper.
271) Get a picture with the Lion.
272) Get a picture with the football coach.
273) Get a picture with the basketball coach.
274) Get a picture with the hockey coach.
275) Get a picture with the Lionettes.
276) They’re majestic goddesses draped in blue and white.
277) You’ll bite your hand like Jordan Belfort when you see the bar tenders at the Den.
278) Get kicked out of a bar once.
279) Get your graduation pictures at the Lion Statue done early.
280) Go to the Blue and White game.
281) Take a summer class.
282) There are less people but it’s really relaxing.
283) Plus pool parties are great too.
284) Go to a women’s volleyball game.
285) Do what makes you happy here.
286) Go to the creamery.
287) Take advantage of the location when you’re at East Halls.
288) Hike Mount Nittany.
289) Make a bucket list of everything you want to do during your time there.
290) Get a gym membership and go there to work out.
291) Don’t be a bro.
292) Be a righteous dude. Everyone will like you a lot more.
293) Avoid classes at Innovation Park.
294) Avoid night classes.
295) But many of those 3 hour night classes aren’t 3 hours.
296) And those professors are the coolest.
297) Avoid 8 AM’s.
298) Avoid 9 AM’s
299) 10 AM’s are just right.
300) Do whatever it takes to avoid Friday classes.
301) 3 day weekends are great.
302) I’m going to yell “We Are!” when I visit. Don’t be embarrassed.
303) Just yell “Penn State!” with everyone else.
304) I won’t judge if you decide to join a frat.
305) Aint no party like a GDI party though.
306) Some frat guys are cool.
307) Some frat guys are “so frat.”
308) Don’t be “so frat.”
309) Some sorority girls are cool.
310) Some sorority girls belong in Mean Girls.
311) Avoid them.
312) Boucke is a furnace.
313) Classes in Forum are annoying.
314) But the walk there on a spring day is enjoyable.
315) Classes in Thomas or Willard are just right.
316) Join a club or two.
317) It’s nice to check out a local band at a bar instead of clubbing.
318) Get a Fish Bowl
319) Get a Monkey Boy
320) Some of the sidewalks are heated.
321) Not all the sidewalks are heated.
322) You will most likely fall on your ass at one time or another.
323) Girls just look better in blue and white.
324) ….And knee high socks.
325) Lose your voice during a football game.
326) Meet with your academic advisor.
327)They’ll get you no classes on Friday.
328) Don’t worry about finding an ugly sweater. Your grandmother has plenty.
329) Hold the door open for others.
330) Don’t always expect a ‘thank you.’
331) Say ‘thank you’ whenever someone does hold it open for you.
332) It’s so nice to have a car there.
333) It’s not needed though either.
334) Your RA can be really cool. They have answers to many questions.
335) Suit up when you go out on weekends.
336) Most people throw on a dress shirt or flannel.
337) You’ll look damn good on your walk home the next morning.
338) Go to country night at Pickles.
339) Go to a Mad Mex Monday.
340) Vamos! Lion Chariot is the best when you’re drunk.
341) You’ll think you’re in a zombie apocalypse if you walk back to your place from the hours of 4-5 AM.
342) Meet someone in the HUB at the Fishtanks.
343) Know what the person you’re meeting looks like because everyone meets there.
344) If you get invited to a formal go ahead and check it out.
345) Learn to cook.
346) There are many benefits from doing so.
347) Go to Waffle Shop. The good Waffle Shop
348) Meet your neighbors when you move into an apartment.
349) Avoid places where crows are known to hang out.
350) The smell will almost knock you off your feet if the slippery bird poop doesn’t.
351) Drunk guys on their balcony will want to fight you from 5 stories up.
352) If they throw anything at you…It’s on like Donkey Kong
353) You won’t know why but there’s something about the Brewery that keeps you coming back.
354) Sundays are for laundry and studying.
355) Don’t judge people in the computer lab who are on Facebook when you need to print something.
356) You’ll find yourself on Facebook when people need to print something.
357) Some people walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk.
358) Others block the entire sidewalk altogether.
359) And they’ll walk as slow as humanly possible.
360) Learn their routes and avoid when in a hurry.
361) Canyon Pizza is great.
362) A second piece is good too.
363) Don’t get an entire pie though. You’ll drop it.
364) Mac-n-Cheese Pizza at Bell’s Greek is just so much better.
365) Don’t get sweet talked into buying a piece of pizza for a girl.
366) Don’t get sweet talked into buying anything for a girl you don’t know or just met.
367) That mainly means drinks.
368) Take a stroll through Frat Land during Daylong season.
369) Occasionally check out a daylong.
370) Watch a big game at the big screen in the HUB.
371) Make friends from around the world. You learn about a different culture.
372)Plus they’re potential couch surfing spots in the future.
373) Go visit your professor to introduce yourself.
374) Visiting them and getting to know them could result in a deadline extension on your final project.
375) Don’t procrastinate so #374 has to come into play. But it’s always nice to get the extension.
376) Don’t be embarrassed when you butcher a word in front of the entire Spanish class.
377) You don’t need Adderall to get work done.
378) You don’t need that “mandatory” $150 book for that class either.
379) Selling that $150 book for $20? Uh uh. That’s why.
380) Get online classes.
381) Experience New Year’s Eve at Penn State once. When you’re 21.
382) You don’t have to drink every weekend at night.
383) People watching can be just as entertaining.
384) The Happy Thursday Club will put a smile on your face no matter how bad the rest of your Thursday was.
385) Bring a bike and go join them once.
386) Allen Street during December is beautiful.
387) Snow storms make it even more amazing.
388) You don’t need your headphones every time you walk to class.
389) The sound of constant construction gets annoying.
390) Hopefully Penn State doesn’t need to remind you where it lives.
391) Relax on HUB- Lawn Patch of Grass
392) If you don’t have a job after graduation, don’t worry.
393) I know you’ll figure it out.
394) But PLEASE! Go to every career fair possible.
395) We have some of the best alumni in the world.
396) Go to the Bank of America Center to get help with anything you need.
397) Don’t be embarrassed to ask a question in class.
398) Don’t be that guy that slacks in a group project.
399) Call out anyone who’s slacking. They’ll only bring your grade down.
400) Don’t be the guy that does the entire group project.
401) Senior Week is great.
402)You’ll miss Penn State the second your car is packed and you start driving away.
403) Just know you’ll be back soon enough.
404) Hopefully you’ll be able to get a picture with Joe Pa’s Statue too.
405) The Alma Mater will get you at your last football game.
406) It’ll get you at graduation too.
407) WE ARE!
408) You are because he was.
409) 409. #SuccessWithHonor
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About the Author
Brian Lewerke’s 25-yard touchdown pass with 19 seconds left sunk the Nittany Lions on Homecoming.
Now that you’ve had a full day to recover from the heartbreaking 21-17 loss to Michigan State, it’s time to relive the other, more successful parts of Homecoming weekend.
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