I come from a long line of thrifters. For as long as I can remember, I’ve tagged along with my mom on countless Goodwill excursions. We’ve done it all: dug through our closets for forgotten treasures, donated these precious finds, and in turn, we’ve sifted through others’ donations to find the next great thrift store gem.

Yet somehow, in my three years at Penn State, I’ve never ventured down Westerly Parkway to State College’s own Goodwill. It’s an egregious error, I know. So I decided to change that. This week, I rolled down to Goodwill to pop some tags. I only had (less than) $20 in my pocket, and was definitely hunting for State College’s best come-ups.

Take a look at what I found.

I feel like no Goodwill is complete without a creepy doll or two. What strikes me about this figurine is its sheer androgynous nature. Is it a young Amish boy or a flat-chested, bobbed tomboy? Either way, it’s probably going to haunt you in your sleep tonight.

This clock is the love child of a frat star and Pinterest. You’ve got the macho aspect of the Corona paired with the delicate clock hands, so it’s the perfect addition to your college home. Yet after a long debate, my colleagues and I determined that there is, in fact, no cerveza más fina in this bottle. How unfortunate.

The State College Goodwill is overflowing with unique clocks, and this sacred time teller doesn’t disappoint. Maybe adding this clock to your humble abode will help you do what Jesus would do. Or maybe it would just silently judge you for all your terrible decisions.

Clowns are a thrift store staple. During my Goodwill adventure, I came across clown apparel, glassware, tapestries, and statues. I’m particularly drawn to these guys because they appear to be using dogs as stools. The #artist in me wants to understand their reasoning behind this act of animal cruelty. In short, who are these clowns?

I had the same reaction to this doll as I did to many of the baubles I found at Goodwill: Who would put this in their house? Seriously, I’m at a loss for words. The only redeemable quality of this doll is her legs. I mean, dayum girl.

Was I the only one who wanted one of these bags growing up? I could just never drink enough Wild Cherry Capri-Sun to make the cut. I guess my childhood dream can now be accomplished, because my laptop would totally fit in this rocking tote.

This notebook makes me sad. I can just imagine its teenybopper designer painstakingly creating their own personal shrine to the Mother Monster. And all for the notebook to be dropped off as fast as you can say Poker Face.

Before you pass this off as another pointless trinket, let me enlighten you. This frog and fishing pole duo is — wait for it — a candle. You can now illuminate your apartment (no candles in dorms, I’m afraid) with this cheery amphibian.

At first, I passed this bag without even thinking about it. But then, I began to wonder if it was actually for sale. After a long investigation (read: I looked at the bottom of the bag), I found that this Chick-fil-A bag is a steal at $0.99. So you better get over to Goodwill fast, because this paper bag is too good of a deal to pass up.

This one is for all you casual wine pressers out there — the wait is over. You can now produce your favorite wine virtually anywhere. I mean, come on — this device is totally classroom-sized.

Though I left the State College Goodwill empty handed, I can assure you that I will be back. I’m not going to miss out on deals like these any longer.