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So, You Totally Bombed Your Midterms

“Your Score Report on Exam One,” the subject line reads, and there’s already a knot in your stomach. It’s been there since you walked out of the Pollock Testing Center, and you can’t avoid the truth any longer.

You didn’t intend for your semester to start like this. You didn’t sleep well the night before your exam, and the teacher was really vague with the material. There were no Nittany Notes, and you’re not the best at paying attention in class. The textbook was so expensive, and you didn’t really think you’d need it, so you didn’t buy it. You had to miss a couple of classes because you were too hungover, and how much could they have really covered those few days? Man, if it had just been multiple choice, you totally would’ve killed it.

There’s no two ways about it, though: You really screwed the pooch on this one, pal. So, for you, our loyal readers, we’ve compiled a 12-step guide to dealing with the fact that you totally, totally ate it on your midterms.

Step 1: Freak out.
Scream, curse, cry, break something. At this point, there’s no turning back. There’s nothing you can do, so go and seriously get it all out. Everyone’s been there. They’ll understand. Put on Blink-182 and throw a bunch of stuff around your room and go out and drink out of a bottle of Vlad. Whatever it is you do to handle terrible news, do it. You’re gonna need it.

Step 2: Buy a container of your favorite Creamery flavor and eat it while streaming a movie.
Seasonal flavors like Monster Mash are perfect for pairing up with your Royal Tenenbaums-filled self-pity party. You deserve this. I mean, you completely did this to yourself and it’s all your fault, but who cares? Go on, you earned it.

Step 3: Call your parents.
Tell them you want to drop out because college is too hard. That’s the quickest way to get those sympathy points you’re looking for. Tell them how much you studied and that it just happens sometimes. You’re their child, so they’ll talk you through it. After all, you didn’t even have to study in high school, and now you’re working so much, and you’re all alone. Not so tough and independent now, huh, you ungrateful little bastard?

Step 4: Read every article by Noel Purcell on Onward State.
That guy’s articles are total garbage. Nothing will make you feel better than knowing that whatever abject disaster you wrote down to fail that ECON 104 exam is better than the content of a published writer.

Step 5: Adopt a puppy.
Is it possible to be sad when holding an adorable puppy? No. No, it is not. Go out and get one, now. There, isn’t that better? Look at his nose! D’awww.

Step 6: Give your professor a bad review on Rate My Professor.
I’LL SHOW YOU A 57! WHO HAS THE POWER NOW?! ENJOY NOT GETTING A CHILI PEPPER, DICK!

Step 7: Run.
Run as far as you can. Flee the country. Move to the woods and live off the land. Nobody can tell you what to do. The education system has indoctrinated us all, and we are now slaves to its whims. Get out while you still can.

Step 8: Legally change your name to that of a student with a better GPA.
First, realize you are wholly incapable of living off the land. I mean, hell, you couldn’t pass a GN, what would possess you to think you’re ready to live on your own? Anyway, once you realize this, take a more modern approach. “That kid has a 4.0? Well, we’ll see how they like it when there are TWO of him!”

Step 9: Get stoned and listen to Dark Side of the Moon backwards.
Dude. The devil is talking to you through Pink Floyd’s legendary album. He has the answers to your next exam and will help you make up for the grade. You’ll have to sell your soul to him, but it’s worth it to never take another GH.

Step 10: Hire someone on the deep web to hack into the system and change your grades.
Did you ever see those movies “Stealing Harvard” or “The Perfect Score”? Me neither, but I assume this comprises most of their plots.

Step 11: Apply for more student loans.
Once the hacker steals all of your personal information and drains your bank accounts, you’re gonna have to make sure you can afford your tuition bill — if you haven’t dropped out yet, that is. What’s a few more student loans, considering you’re going to be drowning in crippling debt for the rest of your life?

Step 12: Late drop the class.
Fuck it.

About the Author

Noel Purcell

Noel Purcell is Onward State's Features Editor. He's a senior Supply Chain major, but is going to law school at some point in the future and masquerades as a writer for now. He continues to disappoint his ancestors by being a complete Irish stereotype. His email is [email protected] because there were no other Noels before him. His ex-wife got the good half of his bio in the divorce settlement.

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