If you’re like me, you have absolutely no game. I’m talking about a complete inability to say anything clever, funny, or sexy to anyone. Ever. Regardless of sobriety level.

Upon realization of my shortcomings, the Onward State staff leapt to action, compiling a list of Penn State-themed pickup lines. We have provided the full list here for your viewing pleasure, and we hope you utilize them to the best of your abilities. Who knows, maybe they’ll even get you laid! It’s far more likely that they’ll get you slapped in the face, but hey, at least we tried.

1. The hockey student section isn’t the only place on campus known as the Roar Zone.
2. I do a lot of group projects, I’m used to finishing things myself.
3. I don’t play football, but I’d love to enter through your south tunnel.
4. The HUB isn’t the only thing that’s getting bigger on campus.
5. Just like James Franklin’s head, I’m shaven.
6. Grilled Sticky was my nickname in high school.
7. You’re not a keg, but I’d still tap you.
8. Just like our offensive line, I’m willing to let you in.
9. It takes me as long as a CATA bus to come.
10. I’ll put the BJ in BJC.
11. Just like Panda Express, I’m really mediocre, but I’m quick and easy so people tolerate me.
12. I’m like the Blue Band Drumline: I know how to handle hard sticks.
13. My footlong is better than any sandwich at Irving’s.
14. Are you a science major? ‘Cause you got a nice Boucke.
15. Up for a late night? And I don’t mean Redifer.
16. If I said you weren’t hot, I’d be Lion.
17. Damn girl, I haven’t seen an ass like that since Rodney Erickson left town.
18. I’d get a kick out of Ficken you all night.
19. I’m no Hack, but I still know how to score.
20. I have a meal plan.

Go now, grasshopper, for you are ready. Take these genius lines out to bars, house parties, frats, and general establishments of debauchery, and give them a shot. If all else fails, blame us.