So. Here’s a thing that allegedly happened over the weekend: A 68-year old man was caught masturbating in the stairwell of the Schlow Library, according to the Centre Daily Times.

A staff member reportedly caught the man in the middle of the act on Friday at 1 p.m., when she called the police. But by the time they arrived, he had left, perhaps in search of some damn privacy. In a strange twist, library employees knew the man and were able to identify him.

Police told the CDT that the man would be charged with open lewdness, and that his identity would remain secret until charges were filed.

And so concludes your annual public masturbation story.