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The Weirdest Penn State-Branded Christmas Gifts You Can Buy Downtown

Christmas is almost here, and with it comes the overwhelming pressure to get your parents a Penn State-themed gift. You could always take the easy way out and grab some t-shirts or pennants, but here lies an opportunity for you to get a little inventive. We searched high and low, and we found some of the weirdest things you can buy your parents downtown.

From Lion & Cub

Team Gnome

This gnome has a really interesting design. The immense beard and sloppy font on the board give off a certain vibe about where his life is — this guy looks just about as employed as Brady Hoke right now.

Penn State Nutcracker

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This is pretty practical and not too crazy, but damn, talk about missed opportunities. Why would this guy not look like a member of the Blue Band? I’m pretty sure you don’t use those mallets with a snare drum, but you’ll have to check that with Dr. Bundy.

Rally Face

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Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean Halloween isn’t right around the corner! Scare your parents! Scare your friends! Scare your parents’ friends!

Monkey Face Mask Hat Thing

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This is merely a gift of function, not endearment. The need for Penn State non-lion animal apparel can best be summed up as “non-existent,” so shouldn’t this just be a lio–

Penn State Duck

Damn it. This gift is great because it reminds me of so many classic Penn State staples – the Duck Shrine, “Hail to the Duck,” and of course, everyone’s favorite dance team, the Duckettes.

From the Student Book Store

Ugly, Horrific, Blasphemous Trains

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These are just gross.

Penn State Grandparent Shirt

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Why would you get this for your parents? They’re not your grandparents! Hahahaha!

Fists

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For when your drunk, Ohio State alum uncle shows up at the family gathering.

From McLanahan’s

Team Player Forest Face

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Yeah, no. Fuck this thing. I saw this face in a nightmare a few nights ago and it told me, “Write about me in your next Onward State article.” And that’s the only reason I went anywhere near it.

#B1G Helmets

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Just like those trains above: no thank you. While our helmets are beautiful and iconic, they really don’t stand out against the other Big Ten schools’. However, this gift will remind us of a simpler time, a time when we didn’t have to associate with Rutgers.

Penn State Sunflower

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Did you know The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” original title was just a picture of a bunch of these?

Hard Hat

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Odds are, your parents won’t ever visit when Penn State isn’t under construction – hell, we’ve been under construction since 1855 – so why not make their visits a little safer? It doesn’t seem like a must-buy, but finally, a good-ass gift.

About the Author

Doug Leeson

Doug is a sophomore and Onward State's Assistant Managing Editor. Dislikes: popcorn, Rutgers, and a low #TimberCount. Likes: "Frozen," Rec Hall, and you. Contact him via email at [email protected] or on Twitter @DougLeeson.

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