The Weirdest Penn State-Branded Christmas Gifts You Can Buy Downtown
Christmas is almost here, and with it comes the overwhelming pressure to get your parents a Penn State-themed gift. You could always take the easy way out and grab some t-shirts or pennants, but here lies an opportunity for you to get a little inventive. We searched high and low, and we found some of the weirdest things you can buy your parents downtown.
From Lion & Cub
This gnome has a really interesting design. The immense beard and sloppy font on the board give off a certain vibe about where his life is — this guy looks just about as employed as Brady Hoke right now.
Penn State Nutcracker
This is pretty practical and not too crazy, but damn, talk about missed opportunities. Why would this guy not look like a member of the Blue Band? I’m pretty sure you don’t use those mallets with a snare drum, but you’ll have to check that with Dr. Bundy.
Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean Halloween isn’t right around the corner! Scare your parents! Scare your friends! Scare your parents’ friends!
Monkey Face Mask Hat Thing
This is merely a gift of function, not endearment. The need for Penn State non-lion animal apparel can best be summed up as “non-existent,” so shouldn’t this just be a lio–
Penn State Duck
Damn it. This gift is great because it reminds me of so many classic Penn State staples – the Duck Shrine, “Hail to the Duck,” and of course, everyone’s favorite dance team, the Duckettes.
From the Student Book Store
Ugly, Horrific, Blasphemous Trains
These are just gross.
Penn State Grandparent Shirt
Why would you get this for your parents? They’re not your grandparents! Hahahaha!
For when your drunk, Ohio State alum uncle shows up at the family gathering.
Team Player Forest Face
Yeah, no. Fuck this thing. I saw this face in a nightmare a few nights ago and it told me, “Write about me in your next Onward State article.” And that’s the only reason I went anywhere near it.
Just like those trains above: no thank you. While our helmets are beautiful and iconic, they really don’t stand out against the other Big Ten schools’. However, this gift will remind us of a simpler time, a time when we didn’t have to associate with Rutgers.
Penn State Sunflower
Did you know The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” original title was just a picture of a bunch of these?
Odds are, your parents won’t ever visit when Penn State isn’t under construction – hell, we’ve been under construction since 1855 – so why not make their visits a little safer? It doesn’t seem like a must-buy, but finally, a good-ass gift.