Every finals week, our beloved University gives a helping hand to help those struggling to make it through a grueling and mind-shattering week. The freebies offered this week are sincere and can be stress-relieving but they lack effectiveness, depth, and intensity. Yes, an intense stress reliever is an oxymoron, but it’s guaranteed to be successful in taking your mind off that cumulative final you haven’t studied for once yet.

Offered this year around campus is free coffee, massages, puzzles, Play Doh, and many other goodies. These freebies are well-intended, but flaws can be found in these stress relievers. Puzzles are stimulating and enjoyable, but after five minutes they only seem to create more stress. Play Doh becomes annoying once it gets stuck underneath your finger nails. Therefore, in order to create a more enjoyable finals week, here are our ideas of stress relief.

Disclaimer: These freebie ideas are not feasible. We do not expect Penn State to offer a single one to its students during a finals week. But, damn, it would be cool.

1) Free Creamery Ice Cream

One of the more practical items on this list. It would be a huge hit even as we are knocking on Old Man Winter’s door. Free ice cream is a childhood dream that’s guaranteed to the boost the spirits of any poor soul as they wallow in their own tears and Nittany Notes.

2) Jersey Mike’s, Wings Over, and Insomnia Cookies

Penn State offered these items to its students early in the semester during syllabus week. It was a huge hit that created a relaxed and friendly environment. Of course, that was in the beginning of the semester when the days were longer and we didn’t get freezing rain, but it would be great effort to relieve the tension amid finals week.

3) Open up Beaver Stadium for pick-up football games

This is Joe’s worst nightmare, but it would a be great time and an amazing experience. A quick game with your friends on that hallowed ground will make you forget about the final you have later that night.

4) Bar vouchers

The George Washington University Law School hands out free beer on Thursdays to help its students relax. A University-sponsored trip to the Phyrst would be more than enjoyable.

5) Panda Bear playground on Old Main Lawn

Adorable, simply adorable. The video is a stress reliever itself.

6) A Mark Emmert Pinata

Assuming it would be placed in the HUB, the line would stretch past Shortlidge with students and alums alike. This is supposed to relieve finals stress, but others may show up with alternative motives.

7) Free alcohol and kegs in the HUB

The HUB might not be a playground, but what about an on-campus bar? Whether the plan is to celebrate an A you just received or drink your sorrows away, it’s more than likely going to end up with something broken. Let’s just hope it’s not the fish tanks.

8) Bring back the Joe Paterno Statue

This seems more like a study distraction, rather than a stress reliever. Either way, it would take any student’s mind off of studying as everyone would flock to get a picture once again.

9) Meditation led by the Dalai Lama himself

The spiritual leader himself has never actually visited Penn State, but if campus organizers could make the connection, it would without a doubt be the most calming event in Penn State history.

10) A prize wheel with a daily spin for each student

You see these wheels all over place at casinos and church picnics, which generally include a variety numbers or dice. For the finals prize wheel in the HUB, students would have the opportunity to test their luck and receive potential prizes like “All A’s on Finals” or an “Exam Answer Key.”

11) Free Weed with designated smoking rooms

Penn State agriculture students are some of the best in the world. However, given the amount of stress and anxiety on campus right now, they might not be able to keep up with production.

12) An Army ROTC-sponsored Artillery Range

Perhaps the most far-fetched freebie out there, but one that’s most essential. Have you ever seen a kid not smile after firing off an antique Civil War cannon? Every single problem a student may have instantly becomes secondary with a once in a lifetime opportunity.

What other absurd freebies should Penn State offer?