The 10 Assholes You’ll Inevitably Meet At A Party
At most parties, there’s always that one asshole who tries to ruin all the fun. Or at the very least, a kid that makes a complete ass out of himself, in which case it’s absolutely hilarious. Nonetheless, we’ve all seen these people on one night or the other, absolutely raging their face off trying to be Jordan Belfort with a handle of Cîroc or smashing bottles in an apartment. Unfortunately, once alcohol is thrown into the mix all bets are off. So, without further ado, here are the ten assholes you’ll inevitably meet at a party:
1. Keg Stand Guy
This guy absolutely loves to party, but he’s never actually hosted a kegger in his life. Despite his general lack of the basic understanding of kegs, he’s still a pro at keg stands and makes sure everyone knows it. He immediately lets the party know he’s doing a stand and then forces you to set your red cup down and grab his dirty ass Timberlands. It’s the exact opposite of what you actually had in mind for the night.
2. The Kleptomaniac
This person is sneaky and most of the time, hard to catch. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for the Klepto because when you wake up and notice your beer, posters, and bacon are all gone, you’re going to be very pissed. The worst part? You’ll never know who it was.
3. The Destructive Drunk
This person has no chill level whatsoever. He comes into your house like a wasted wrecking ball when half the time you don’t even know his first name. He storms into the party, shouts something obnoxious, punches a couple holes in the wall, breaks a bottle, and then leaves. It’s actually quite comical at the time, but really annoying when you’re paying for the damages later that week.
4. The Confrontational Drunk
There’s the guy who fights the wall, but there’s also the guys that tries to fight you. No matter the mood of the party, he is always looking to start something. To sum this up quickly, he is the epitome of an asshole. He’s very easy to point out because he’s confrontational and everyone’s scared to approach him. However, don’t be afraid because he’s usually too drunk to do any serious damage, except to maybe himself.
5. The Kid That’s Overly Excited About Weed
“Dude is that your bong! Man I can’t wait to get ripped off of that. Damn that’s too cool.” Yeah, we get it, you like smoking weed. There’s no reason to let everyone know how you have the dankest bud this side of the Mississippi and that you smoke all day. It’s 2015, weed is slowly becoming as prevalent as alcohol.
6. The Guy That Pisses in Your Yard, While the Cops Are Standing There
Okay, I’ll admit it, this happened to me once and is too good to be left out. The cops are handing out a noise warning and everything seems calm at the moment until this guy comes around the front yard and immediately proceeds to relieve himself, while the cops stare at him. Please, don’t be this guy, it will only make matters worse for your more than gracious hosts.
7. The Kid Who Claims to Live Here, When Clearly He Doesn’t
This person is the absolute worst and was probably the one reminding the teacher that homework was due in elementary school. He hands out cups, tells everyone where the drinks are, or even charges your unlucky guest for a cup to make a quick profit. He even has the nerve to change your music and tell you that you need to calm down in your own place.
8. The Attention Whore
The kid that’s easy to pick out because, well, he wants you to see him. He offers shots to everyone out of his $50 bottle of Grey Goose and parks himself in the middle of the dance floor for everyone to see. He tries to impress everyone with his extensive list of extracurriculars and even describes his tattoos. Try not to get too close though — you’ll probably have an awkward confrontation on campus the next day.
9. The Corner Creeper
This person really isn’t an asshole, but he’s not really someone you want at your party since he tends to give off a bad vibe. After getting word of the party through hearsay, he shows up with a backpack full of Natty Light and watches everyone have a good time. Come on man, it’s a party, you’re meant to be social and not creep out the people who were actually invited.
10. The Sober Asshole
“This party sucks, I need to get out of here now.” The person that says this just really isn’t drinking enough to realize that most college parties are tightly packed, hot, and get boring after 3o minutes. Most of the time, he wants to leave early to get a slice of pizza. But even though he’s an asshole, he’s still a good friend to have around when you desperately need to be picked up at three in the morning.
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About the Author
If you’ve been brave enough to leave your dorm or apartment, we hope you had the good sense to build a snowman.
Onward State staffer Ethan Kasales reflects on the past few years and everyone who helped make his college experience so rewarding.
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