Welcome to the first edition of Ask Noel, our new weekly column where I attempt to give you advice and fail miserably. We got a lot of responses this week, and while most of them were my friends being assholes, there were legitimately good questions too. Let’s answer those, and hopefully improve your sad lives just a little bit. Let’s get started!

1) Why are you such a fucking douchebag? – Tim

We’re off to a great start here, folks!

2) Could David Eckstein‘s gigantic heart bring universal peace to the world and if so why hasn’t he done that yet? – Bill

Here’s the thing about David Eckstein’s heart: He’s so gritty, you have to wonder what else he could do with that ethic. He’d be a hell of a construction worker. He could probably cure a disease or two. Now that he’s retired, who knows? The possibilities are endless. Anyway, I think it could. If the universe accepted Eck into their hearts, there is nothing we couldn’t do. All glory to the lunchpail.

3) She got a booty tho? – Bae

Verily.

4) Why hasn’t the Phyrst renamed table 4 to table 409 yet? – FDR

This is actually a great question. Imagine how much this would screw up alumni coming back to play Table Wars. “Where the feck is table four? Wait what? What do you mean there’s no table four?” All the REALLY old/uptight alumni would have an aneurism when a bar table is named after Joe, because they view him as the definition of piety. Really though, Our Couch deserves, well, a couch at the Phyrst. Couch 409, and you can only drink Old Grand-Dad at that table. A true test of just how badly someone wants to sit down is if they’re willing to ditch their trash can for a bottle of Joe’s favorite poison, because it tastes like just that: poison.

5) Noel, my boyfriend won’t get rid of his Tinder and we have been dating for four months!! What should I do? – Etta

Well, we have our first real problem for the advice column portion of the mailbag! Alright, I know exactly how to deal with this scenario. First, create your own fake Tinder profile for some other girl. Name her Jenny or something. Then, find a fake picture to use of someone really attractive and fill out the bio with stuff you know he likes. Then, go right-swiping. This might be difficult, but if you guys get out of State College proper and have the one mile radius on for that exact age, it’ll be way easier to find. You obviously only care about matching with him for the sake of this argument, so ignore all others and be careful not to accidentally left swipe your man. When you finally get him, start up a conversation. Flirt hardcore. Talk about everything he loves, like Michael Bay movies, Nickelback, and Corn Nuts (we’re assuming he really sucks for the sake of this conversation, because he’s definitely a total dickbag if he won’t delete his Tinder). Eventually, propose the idea of meeting up with him. Make it very obvious you would like to hook up with him. If he says “No, I have a girlfriend,” then congrats, you’re in the clear! If he accepts the offer, set it up at a public location with a very specific place to meet (say, in front of the Corner Room) and send him there. Then, get there and wait. When he shows up and says “Oh, Etta, why are you here?” punch him square in the dick as hard as you possibly can, and say “Jenny sends her regards.” Then dump his ass and let him enjoy the testicular torsion you just inflicted for a lifetime.

6) Hey Noel, so there’s this guy that I’ve been trying to hook up with, but he doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. Is there something I can do to make him notice my incessant flirting or is there something else I may not realize? Thanks! Can’t wait for the advice. – Amy

Hey, Amy. He probably thinks you’re ugly. Or annoying. Maybe both? Anyway, I highly recommend that you knit him something. Guys love it when girls knit them personal objects to show their unwanted affection. You could also slowly begin stealing things from his apartment and putting them in places you know he’ll go on campus, spelling out a hidden message with a sticky note attached to each. You could also just tell him you think he’s cute, but being direct never works.

7) Where is the best place to poop on campus? – Mr. T

This is so important. The answer obviously depends on where you are, but if we’re talking overall? Millennium Science Complex has to be up there. Hell, they don’t even want you IN there, so you’re shitting on their domain. First victory. Secondly, they’re really, really nice, and the building is so futuristic looking it feels like you’re taking a dump on the USS Enterprise. Totally badass. I’d also toss third floor Willard, the basement of Carnegie (deserted), and IST. The best, though? President Barron’s private bathroom in Old Main that I think probably exists and has a television in it and is designed to look like the interior of a sports car. If it does exist, that’s gotta be it.

8) What bars in State College do you recommend if we want to get from the big crowds? Bars like The Phyrst is fun and all, but it can get way too crowded. – Not Noel

Chrome. The answer is Chrome. Chrome is the most underrated bar in State College and it isn’t close. It can be both super chill and really upbeat, especially on Wednesday nights when they have live house music sets and half off liquor drinks until midnight. They have the best bartenders in State College if you want attentive service and a cocktail (grab yourself a Moscow Mule or a Dark and Stormy and thank me later), they have really awesome food including my favorite bar wings, and they have hookahs. That last point could be a turn off, but they are electronic hookahs. No smoke hanging in the air, just some vapor, so it smells good on top of it. They have a good amount of seating, some TVs, and a really great, clean vibe. Nothing beats it. If you’re looking for something far more ratchet, The Brewery is rarely packed, and the only place you can get a drink served in an ash tray. Kildare’s really only gets packed for games, but has a great beer selection and you can watch most any soccer match there (including the USMNT, as it is American Outlaws’ home bar). Inferno has a really solid cocktail menu and doesn’t see as heavy traffic as it probably should, and can be good for trying to bring a group to a bar as well.

9) Can you teach me how to handle my alcohol? – Your Best Friend Harry

Getting a hang of your booze is an important step in college. Freshman year, you’ll begin to learn your limits. By the time you’re able to hit the bars, you should know how much of what is gonna get you drunk. If you’re having problems getting too drunk, I have a few solutions. 1) Drink only 151, as quickly as you can. It’s like throwing you into the fire. Your body will go in to shock and disperse much of the alcohol, and you’ll feel a nice, confident buzz all night. 2) Drugs. Meth and beer go together like peanut butter and ladies, so puff a little crank and you’ll be able to pound back whiskey like Frank Sinatra. 3) Stop being such a little bitch boy. You’re an adult now. Pull yourself together. 4) Eat excessive amounts of greasy, unhealthy fried foods before you drink, so your stomach is ready to handle the damage you’re about to do. 5) Begin sleep-drinking, so you can get drunk and sleep it off in one fell swoop. Minor risk of drowning is worth training that liver.

11) Noel, A) How do you pronounce your name? B) What was your favorite class at Penn State? – Sarah

A) It’s pronounced Nole. Rhymes with Pole. If you see this name without an umlaut over the ‘e’ and the person is not French, I can almost assure you it is pronounced Noel. The British and Irish can get it right but we can’t in OBAMA’S AMERICA! and B) Either SCM 404 with Dr. Novack, 405 with Dr. Huff (I’m a Supply Chain major so), ENGL 202D with Matt Weber, COMM 250 with a now-retired professor, or Tai Chi with Amalia Shaltiel (seriously).

That’s all we have this week, submit more for next week’s edition of Ask Noel below!