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OrderUp to Deliver Condoms, Lighters, and Red Bull

It’s everyone’s nightmare: You’ve finally talked and flirted and Snapchatted your way into the throes of passion with a sexy co-ed. It starts getting hot and heavy, and you start undressing each other and reach in your desk drawer for that all-important latex contraceptive. Rather than the sweet embrace of ringed foil, you find the bottom of your drawer. You’re out of condoms, and now you’re figuratively fucked, rather than literally. Now that problem is a thing of the past.

Today, OrderUp launched LionMart, a new addition to its delivery service that can provide you with most necessary household items you would normally pick up at a CVS, all without leaving your home. Need an Arnold Palmer and an Advil after a long night at the Phyrst? OrderUp has you covered. Xbox controller die in the middle of a heated game of FIFA? Batteries will be on their way as soon as you enter your credit card info. Chilling out with friends, but out of butane? A new lighter, plus some munchies like Totinos Pizza Rolls and a pint of chocolate milk will be there in a jiffy. OrderUp has taken 21st century convenience to a new level, as you can now have a six-pack of frozen White Castle burgers brought to your door.

It’s one of those “how didn’t I think of that?” ideas that will be of great use to those who live deep off campus but don’t own cars. From snacks, sodas, and over-the-counter medication to plasticware, pet food and even a lint roller to channel your inner Drake, OrderUp has your back. The service is available between the odd hours of 9:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m., 2:30 p.m.-5:30 p.m., and 9:00 p.m.-10:30 p.m., on OrderUp now. You never know — maybe the next time you’re doing laundry with the Tide Pods you had delivered last week, you’ll catch somebody’s eye and they’ll proposition you for a marathon sex romp all night. Just hit up OrderUp, order a two-pack of Five Hour Energy and a three-pack of Trojans, and all your dreams will come true.

What a time to be alive.

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About the Author

Noel Purcell

Noel Purcell is Onward State's Features Editor. He's a senior Supply Chain major, but is going to law school at some point in the future and masquerades as a writer for now. He continues to disappoint his ancestors by being a complete Irish stereotype. His email is [email protected] because there were no other Noels before him. His ex-wife got the good half of his bio in the divorce settlement.


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