In some cruel twist of fate Sunday afternoon, I found myself reading The Daily Collegian’s sex column.

If you’ve ever read The Daily Collegian‘s sex column, you can probably understand why my (and other Onward State staff writers before me’s) internal reactions warrant a story of their own. If you haven’t had the, er…pleasure of reading the piece for yourself, do so at your own risk. Afterward, you’re invited to a play-by-play of my mind while reading “Sexiling: What to do when the door is locked,” the latest installment of this juicy column, in full FJM-style review.

For those who don’t know, and as best explained by Onward State alumnus Noel Purcell: FJM style essentially goes line-by-line (skipping non-relevant parts) and breaks down a piece of writing and criticizes it, and was popularized by the legendary site Fire Joe Morgan. This analysis is usually saved for terrible pieces of writing, but even without us passing judgement on Shelby Kaplan’s abilities as a writer, we just had to say something about the content itself. This isn’t about you, Shelby; it’s about your sex life.

Words that appear in bold were published by the The Daily Collegian, and everything else was written by me.

The night is in full swing. You’re talking, laughing, flirting
Okay, a typical night. But wait…talking? laughing? flirting? Wow, things are heating up. What will happen next?

and then things take an unexpected, but fortunate turn. It is now 2 a.m. and you’re on your way back to the room with someone.
Unexpected? It appears as if the writer doesn’t get laid too often.

Getting back before your roommate can be a swift moment of luck, but remember to keep him or her in consideration.
A moment of “luck?” Girl, as Fort Minor said, this is five percent luck, 10 percent skill, 15 percent concentrated power of will. Regardless, I am confident in my ability to show my roommate basic human respect without someone on the internet chastising me.

Don’t leave your roommate locked out in the lounge.
You know, before reading this I was going to hide all of the keys from my roommate for fun, but an internet stranger says don’t do that. Maybe I won’t.

Follow these simple steps to ensure that you have a fun evening and you don’t harm your relationship with your roommate.
Who are the sad humans that need this list? I’m horrified imagining a world full of people that need a list on how to do sex and not make their roommates despise them. Do you think people will Google that phrase? Well, they’re in luck because now there’s help.

Step One: Let your roommate know the plan.
“Hey, I’m planning to have sex for the first time in my life tonight.”

If you’re expecting to end the night next to someone, be courteous and just tell your roommate before going out. It is not that difficult to say “Hey, I’m going out tonight and I’m trying to meet up with someone, just figured I’d give you a heads up.”
“Good lord, I need some dick. I’ve calculated this night to the second.”

 You could even send them a text as the night progresses — something along the lines of “Bringing someone back with me, wanted to let you know!”
“Ha! I’m the sex-haver of this apartment! Not you.”

Having a simple conversation could save you from future awkward talks with your roommate.
Yeah, but more importantly the conversation will let my roommate know that I do, in fact, have sex.

Step Two: Be respectful.
Ok.

When talking about bringing people back, if one person expresses any discomfort, be thoughtful and maybe make other arrangements for your late-night rendezvous. If your roommate makes it clear that they do not want to make your double room a triple, be thoughtful, and try to go somewhere else.
This writer must have a lame-as-hell roommate.

If you are on the other side of the “sexiling” spectrum, try to say something along the lines of: “Hey, have fun tonight, but if you are going to meet up with someone afterwards, would you guys mind not coming back here?” Both of you should have consideration for the other.
I’m once again left wondering, who needs an internet stranger to tell them this? Yes, try this basic conversational skill. 

Step Three: Don’t make a habit.
Don’t worry, the only reason I had this sex was so I could constantly text my roommate about it and let him/her know that I am sexually active. I don’t need to do this for at least a few more months. 

Bringing someone home every now and then is completely acceptable. Things happen, and while in college, this should be an accepted fact.
Sex: it’s a thing. The writer is now my definitive moral compass.

However, annoyance can occur if this becomes a weekly occurrence (sic).
“Annoyance can occur if this becomes a weekly occurrence.” I’ve re-read this sentence thrice because I can’t believe it was published.

Do not turn your room into a speed dating site.
Why not? In fact, this gave me my next business idea. I’m going to put a sign on my door that says “Speed Dating: enter here. (I have sex).”

Always keep your roommate in mind.
Rest assured, I’m constantly thinking of the next time I can tell him/her about all the sex I have. My roommate loves to know about my sex.

Seriously, though, who needs an article to know this? An alternate headline: Here’s some obvious ways to be a decent human while still telling people you have sex.