Sylly week is officially upon us once more, and at Penn State that means one thing: drinking with all the friends you missed over break. With the bars bringing their A-game in sylly specials and underagers flocking to Fratland once more, there is minimal sobriety to be found in State College once the sun goes down.

For students who don’t drink or *gasp* actually have responsibilities this week, this can make places like Beaver Canyon a pretty entertaining spot to eavesdrop on their less coherent classmates. Here are some of the highlights:

“Okay, come on. You just need to drink a little bit. A little buzzed. Like you don’t even have to black out, you just have to drink.”

This kind of peer pressure is exactly what they warned us about in DARE. However, we can appreciate that this nameless student is encouraging their friend to only get a little buzzed.

“He swore he’d stop drinking for me, but I don’t think I’ve ever talked to him sober.”

I am slightly impressed. Who is this man? What’s his GPA like? His bank account?

On the other hand, Nameless Girl Wearing A Crop Top With No Coat In The Winter, it is time to leave him. I promise you, you can do better than Chad from Sigma Apple Pie, and this look will not be cute when he’s thirty years old and still drinking Nattys.

“Even though I’m 5’4″, I could really help out the basketball team. I was a post in high school.”

Pat Chambers, are you listening? There’s a Shaquille O’Neal walking our campus and we didn’t even know it. I’m not sure what kind of high school basketball program has use for a center of this stature, but the thought of it makes me sad.

With Penn State basketball in a bit of a slump right now, though, maybe this potential roster change is just the kickstart the team needs to start climbin’ once more.

*Prolonged Screaming*

What is it about alcohol that makes people decide to scream? Are they in pain? Is it some innate desire inside of us to scream into the void? If it was a stress thing, you would think that syllabus week would be the least stressful week of the semester.

Unless you’re an engineer, or something else STEM-related. Please, scream away.

“This is the happiest I’ll ever be.”

There are few things greater in life than being under the influence in Beaver Canyon. Walking down the street with your friends, talking to strangers who are just as incoherent as you are, the smell of Canyon Pizza in the air.

Combined with the freedom and feeling of new beginning that comes with every sylly week, this probably is the happiest you’ll ever be, Anonymous Student.

After all, it’s only downhill from here.