Penn State women’s soccer won its second game of the season against La Salle on Sunday, continuing its perfect start. More notably, the 4-0 victory was headlined by junior Payton Linnehan, who scored a hat trick in the span of three minutes and 24 seconds around the half-hour mark.

First, Linnehan received a beautiful ball from Sam Coffey on the run. A minute and a half later, she combined with Ally Schlegel for another tidy finish, before completing her hat trick with a flukey cross-turned-shot that goalkeeper Jordynn Stallard bobbled.

Linnehan’s rapid hat trick was the first for a Nittany Lion since 2017, and it was easily faster than any in recent memory. To put that speed into perspective, we did some research to find a few other things that Linnehan’s hat trick beat.

The Average Song

The average song length is three minutes and 30 seconds, a full six seconds slower than it takes for Linnehan to score three goals.

It is worth noting that four-minute 46-second “Kernkraft 400” was played after each goal was scored as the crowd went wild. Quick math confirms that Linnehan would, in fact, score four goals during a full “Zombie Nation” run!

Driving From The HUB To Beaver Stadium

Apple Maps pegs the drive from the HUB to Beaver Stadium at around five minutes.

Linnehan would have her first as you were turning onto Bigler Road, before securing her brace while you waited at the light at East. You could hear the cheers from her third as you turn onto Curtin Road. But by the time you parked, it would be too late.

Getting On The White Loop At East Halls

I was considering specifying the time of day for this one, but honestly, I don’t think it’s possible to ever board the White Loop at East in under 3:24. However, imagine trying to beat out the Penn State winger on a Thursday night or Monday morning? Not happening.

Freshmen, if you’re reading this, good luck making it to class on time this week. I recommend walking.

Michael Phelps’ 400-Meter World Record

Michael Phelps may be one of the best athletes of all time, but he can’t swim 400 meters before Linnehan scores three goals.

Phelps swam a 4:03.28 at Beijing’s Olympics in 2008, which is incredibly impressive. However, he still would’ve had a few laps to go as the Park Avenue Army was already chastising La Salle’s goalkeeper for “letting her team down three times!”

The Fastest Hat Trick In MLS History

That’s right, folks. Linnehan does it better than the pros!

Harut Karapetyan of the LA Galaxy scored the fastest hat trick in league history in 1998, clocked at just under five minutes. Linnehan does get the advantage of a stopped clock following her goals, but Sunday’s haul is still comfortably quicker than Karapetyan’s efforts in California.

Additionally, the fastest Champions League hat trick came from Bafetimbi Gomis, and that took over eight minutes. Linnehan is in a league of her own.

Michigan Winning Another Big Ten Football Title

Duh. Anything is faster than something that will never happen.