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Crafting President Barron’s Pre-Retirement Bucket List

Ever since President Eric Barron announced that he will be retiring in June 2022, we’ve felt a lot of different ways. For starters, emotional. Eric, we’ll always cherish the awkward and sometimes upsetting emails from your office. But if you’re going to go out, why not go out in style?

President Barron. Eric. Barry (can we call you that?). We’re trying to help you leave a legacy as one of the most kickass presidents to ever step foot on campus. For that reason, we have curated this bucket list for you. If you follow it, it will not only revamp your image as the cool president but also put your name up there with some of the greats.

Mix Creamery Flavors

Now I know that it’s a big no-no, but to be known as a guy who didn’t play by the rules you’re gonna have to start breaking a few. Peachy Paterno and White Out. Death By Chocolate and Bittersweet Mint. The possibilities are endless. Also, your name would be added to a shortlist of bad boy presidents with Bill Clinton.

Go To A Daylong

Not only will this leave an impression on the kids you meet there, but it’s a great way to take a load off after a hard week of governing a university. Play some pong, have some refreshments, even dance to “Mo Bomba” if you feel like it. Just enjoy yourself and drink some Natty Lights in the sun.

Make Tuition Free For A Semester

Barry, I’m looking at this last year as your senior year. And what senior year doesn’t include a good class prank? Think of how shocked the rest of the administrators and trustees will be when they find out! Students would chant your name in the streets, and thousands would transfer to Dear Old State. A good prank indeed.

Kick An Extra Point At The White Out

Now, I won’t lie. The rest of the list is meaningless if you don’t split the uprights. You have a little over two weeks to get your legs in kicking shape. What leaves more of a legacy than being the only president in Penn State history to record a point?

If you miss, you’ll be fine because nothing screams crossing an item off of a bucket list more than winning a football game in front of 107,000 of your closest friends.

Dance In THON

It won’t be easy, but it’s not about you. It’s FTK.

Do The Mifflin Streak

Don’t feel self-conscious. Try to see this as an opportunity to race past your competition. If past streaks have taught us anything, you don’t have to be Usain Bolt to enjoy a good streak. Wear a mask if it makes you more confident, although it might not be hard to pick out the 69-year-old man.

Make A Half-Court Shot

“Barry Buckets.” Sounds good, right? Well, that’ll be your new nickname after you sink one in front of a packed Bryce Jordan Center. What better way to welcome Coach Shrewsberry to Happy Valley than to usher in the new era with a Mike Breen style “BANG!”?

Bike Up Shortlidge Road

Nothing screams being the epitome of physical prowess more than this. Biking up Shortlidge Road is basically the Penn State equivalent to climbing Mount Everest. Picture the throng of kids who will run behind you as you accomplish this nearly impossible feat. It’ll be a scene out of Rocky. I can already read the comments on the video of it. “Wow, is that President Barron? Nice calves!”

Tell The Parking Police To Calm Down

Whether students are just trying to pick up their friends or commute to class, there’s always a fear of the parking officers leaving an expensive ticket. Those wishing to park their car momentarily outside of their dorm to move stuff rather than carry it across campus shouldn’t have to worry about being financially crippled. All we’re asking for is a little bit of slack.

Name Trace McSorley As Your Successor

Since yesterday’s news that Trace is currently back on the job market, now is the time to get to him before another NFL franchise can. While McSorley’s tenure as president would most certainly leave an amazing legacy, everyone will still have to remember the man that gave him the keys. What better way to cap off your retirement than by giving a Penn State alumni a job?

Bonus: Bring Back The JoePa Statue

…please?

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About the Author

Jordan Mansberger

Jordan Mansberger is a junior at Penn State majoring in Broadcast Journalism. He is from Cassville, Pennsylvania. He is a huge Pittsburgh sports fan as well as his Denver Nuggets. When he's not working, he can be found instigating Twitter beef with Padres fans and Antonio Brown or practicing his sub-par golf game.

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