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An Ode To The Cocktagon

First off, do NOT look up “cocktagon” on Urban Dictionary. Trust us, we’re doing you a favor.

Now, let’s get into what a cocktagon actually is. Do you know those porta-potties outside Beaver Stadium that are like little coves? They have five urinals on the inside, and it’s like a cozy little home to go with your bros. You can find them pretty much anywhere in the tailgating lots.

My official cocktagon experience started earlier this year ahead of Penn State’s home opener against Ball State. Before then, I never referred to these heavenly urinals as “cocktagons.”

While walking over to the tailgating lots that day, fellow Onward State staffer Frankie Marzano kept saying how we had to make a trip to the cocktagon. Through context clues, I quickly caught on to what he meant, and we just ran with it. Frankie, Onward State staffer Alex Petersen, and I had an other-worldly cocktagon experience that day.

Standing basically shoulder-to-shoulder, we did our business while having a casual conversation. Just three guys taking a piss, chatting it up, and soaking in the moment before a football game, man. I’ll never forget, as we were exiting the gracious urinal, Frankie looked over at Alex and me and just said, “nice.” Amazing.

Luckily for us, there’s photo evidence of our departure, too.

Ready to rock ‘n roll, baby.

The bravado we carried as we strutted away from the cocktagon says it all. Alex just looks happy to be there, and Frankie seems to be going in for a fist bump. I mean, it was incredible.

Then, the next week against Auburn is when the cocktagon’s legacy grew. I thought my friends and I were the only ones who referred to urinals that way. Boy, I was wrong. During one of our cocktagon trips, we heard multiple others refer to the five-urinal cove as the “cocktagon.” My mind was blown, and I knew right then and there I just experienced a special moment.

Now, when we talk about plans before home football games, you better believe the cocktagon is at the top of our list. When our friend from home comes and visits this weekend, we’re making him experience what it’s like to take a leak right next to your best friends.

I know some of you folks are probably really confused while reading this, but that’s completely understandable. That’s because you haven’t experienced the cocktagon for yourself. Once you do that, then get back to me.

I want to personally thank the cocktagon for making going to the bathroom at a tailgate great again. Who knew taking a leak could be so fun?

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About the Author

Gabe Angieri

Gabe is a senior majoring in journalism and is Onward State's managing editor. He grew up in Lindenhurst, New York, and has had the absolute misfortune of rooting for the Jets, Mets, and Knicks. If you want to see his bad sports takes, follow him on Twitter @gabeangieri and direct all hate mail and death threats to [email protected]

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